Saturday 31 July 2010
Saturday 19 June 2010
Back Again
It's forever since I've written anything on here.
Life's not been easy over the last few weeks. I feel like Sylvie has been a hurricane and we've all felt the strength of her rage!!!! She's been very unsettled, aggressive, 'naughty', downright wierd, wired and just too much for me to cope with to be honest.
I think that her behaviour is a reaction to the death of my mother with whom she spent a considerable amount of time. I thought, stupidly, that Sylvie wouldn't understand that her nanna had gone, or that she'd not be affected by the loss therefore her feelings around the time of mum's death weren't respected. As a result, we've had five months of one and off manic behaviour - some gorgeous times too, but mainly just hard work. I think in part this is, not suprisingly, due to my lack of emotional energy and the overwhelming sense of loss I still live alongside on a daily basis.
Bea is just her usual self although since Annabelle's started to sit up, Bea's started to shout more, and louder for attention... she also enjoys pushing Annabelle over but Sylvie did that when Bea started sitting up so we kind of expected it! Bea is just like a ball of energy. She seems to panic if she doesn't have what she wants/needs within seconds and she ends up totally frustrated. She's wound herself into such a tiz that her nose has bled twice this week. It's a bit worrying and I'm hoping things will change as she does seem quite stressed a lot of the time!!!!
So, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since I last posted on here. When I realised I just couldn't cope with family life I decided to make changes that would help us all calm down
I stopped 'needing' to take the girls to play group/home ed group meetings and not to go to anyone else's house unless with my girls for a while as Sylvie clearly couldn't cope in those situations and didn't enjoy herself at all which meant I would be pushed to my limits and beyond causing a lot of unhappiness and stress.
So far, so good. Everyone seems to have calmed down a lot. I took the girls to 'Sticky Fingers', a local play group last Friday and they had a fab time. No one was pushed or hit, no shouting and screaming and throwing stuff around the room just happy children, playing with toys, interacting with each other. It was so good to see them as they 'used' to be instead of constantly being worried about what would happen next.
I've stopped putting the TV on during the day and implemented a bedtime 'routine' which I also think has made a huge difference. Things seem to be looking up.
We went camping last week and it was totally fantastic. On Tuesday Bea seemed a bit off colour - I thought it was because she'd not slept at all on Monday night, (she usually sleeps with me and Annabelle but due to the tiny camp bed, I was with Annabelle and she was in the other 'room' in the tent with Mark and Sylvie - she was not impressed and let us know that throughout the night), however, by 7pm Tuesday evening we had her in hospital with a temp of 40 degrees. Some Calpol, naked time, a fan and a cold cloth later and she was fine. Back to normal, demanding to paint and to drink milk... good old Bea.
We stayed three nights and Bea slept for none of them. On the last night she climbed up onto my camp bed and just slept by my feet - there was no room anywhere else. She still woke in the night screaming and shouting for me, but I least I was quick to comfort her.
Sylvie was amazing and had a fantastic time. She was climbing up rocks, walking up hills with Mark, having a great time with a group of 11/12 year olds who were camping as part of a school trip and just generally being a happy, outdoors loving little girl!!!! We've decided to take her to Durham Climbing Centre tomorrow morning to see how she feels about the climbing wall. I think she'll love it.
I've decided to start working on my NCT essays again - I need to finish the course so that I can start teaching and actually earn some cash! The first essay I'm tackling is about grief. Pretty frightening reading the books which describe how I'm feeling. It's all very raw and reading words which relate to my state of anxiety feels a bit like picking a scab but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I'm not on my own!!!
Annabelle is asleep on my knee. Sylvie is at the table having her dinner and Bea has fallen asleep on a big green play blanket that's kept behind the sofa. Mark's making my dinner and we're all a bit upside down since the camping trip however, I have high hopes for tomorrow and for next week.
I'm going to keep checking up on other people's blogs as they are so inspirational.
Life's not been easy over the last few weeks. I feel like Sylvie has been a hurricane and we've all felt the strength of her rage!!!! She's been very unsettled, aggressive, 'naughty', downright wierd, wired and just too much for me to cope with to be honest.
I think that her behaviour is a reaction to the death of my mother with whom she spent a considerable amount of time. I thought, stupidly, that Sylvie wouldn't understand that her nanna had gone, or that she'd not be affected by the loss therefore her feelings around the time of mum's death weren't respected. As a result, we've had five months of one and off manic behaviour - some gorgeous times too, but mainly just hard work. I think in part this is, not suprisingly, due to my lack of emotional energy and the overwhelming sense of loss I still live alongside on a daily basis.
Bea is just her usual self although since Annabelle's started to sit up, Bea's started to shout more, and louder for attention... she also enjoys pushing Annabelle over but Sylvie did that when Bea started sitting up so we kind of expected it! Bea is just like a ball of energy. She seems to panic if she doesn't have what she wants/needs within seconds and she ends up totally frustrated. She's wound herself into such a tiz that her nose has bled twice this week. It's a bit worrying and I'm hoping things will change as she does seem quite stressed a lot of the time!!!!
So, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since I last posted on here. When I realised I just couldn't cope with family life I decided to make changes that would help us all calm down
I stopped 'needing' to take the girls to play group/home ed group meetings and not to go to anyone else's house unless with my girls for a while as Sylvie clearly couldn't cope in those situations and didn't enjoy herself at all which meant I would be pushed to my limits and beyond causing a lot of unhappiness and stress.
So far, so good. Everyone seems to have calmed down a lot. I took the girls to 'Sticky Fingers', a local play group last Friday and they had a fab time. No one was pushed or hit, no shouting and screaming and throwing stuff around the room just happy children, playing with toys, interacting with each other. It was so good to see them as they 'used' to be instead of constantly being worried about what would happen next.
I've stopped putting the TV on during the day and implemented a bedtime 'routine' which I also think has made a huge difference. Things seem to be looking up.
We went camping last week and it was totally fantastic. On Tuesday Bea seemed a bit off colour - I thought it was because she'd not slept at all on Monday night, (she usually sleeps with me and Annabelle but due to the tiny camp bed, I was with Annabelle and she was in the other 'room' in the tent with Mark and Sylvie - she was not impressed and let us know that throughout the night), however, by 7pm Tuesday evening we had her in hospital with a temp of 40 degrees. Some Calpol, naked time, a fan and a cold cloth later and she was fine. Back to normal, demanding to paint and to drink milk... good old Bea.
We stayed three nights and Bea slept for none of them. On the last night she climbed up onto my camp bed and just slept by my feet - there was no room anywhere else. She still woke in the night screaming and shouting for me, but I least I was quick to comfort her.
Sylvie was amazing and had a fantastic time. She was climbing up rocks, walking up hills with Mark, having a great time with a group of 11/12 year olds who were camping as part of a school trip and just generally being a happy, outdoors loving little girl!!!! We've decided to take her to Durham Climbing Centre tomorrow morning to see how she feels about the climbing wall. I think she'll love it.
I've decided to start working on my NCT essays again - I need to finish the course so that I can start teaching and actually earn some cash! The first essay I'm tackling is about grief. Pretty frightening reading the books which describe how I'm feeling. It's all very raw and reading words which relate to my state of anxiety feels a bit like picking a scab but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I'm not on my own!!!
Annabelle is asleep on my knee. Sylvie is at the table having her dinner and Bea has fallen asleep on a big green play blanket that's kept behind the sofa. Mark's making my dinner and we're all a bit upside down since the camping trip however, I have high hopes for tomorrow and for next week.
I'm going to keep checking up on other people's blogs as they are so inspirational.
Sunday 2 May 2010
Support and inspiration
We had our very own 'red thread' meeting last night.
I invited a group of friends round who co-sleep, breast feed, carry their babies etc. etc. and it was fab! Just in general conversation we discussed home education, breast feeding a five year old, not introducing solids until 15 months and 13 months, eating sprouts! carrying toddlers, night weaning, re - lactating after just feeding from one side, cross feeding and homeopathy for nappy rash!!!!!!
One friend brought her gorgeous little girl with her. She's 3 and was having problems falling asleep so she joined in with us.
It was such a good night. None of the conversations were 'out of the ordinary', they were just about the way we live.
Such a good outlet to be able to talk openly and honestly about life without seeing raised eye brows or without the usual, 'they'll have to learn to sleep on their own, you need your own space', 'are they enrolled at school yet'.
Calm amidst the storm that is our life at the moment.
I invited a group of friends round who co-sleep, breast feed, carry their babies etc. etc. and it was fab! Just in general conversation we discussed home education, breast feeding a five year old, not introducing solids until 15 months and 13 months, eating sprouts! carrying toddlers, night weaning, re - lactating after just feeding from one side, cross feeding and homeopathy for nappy rash!!!!!!
One friend brought her gorgeous little girl with her. She's 3 and was having problems falling asleep so she joined in with us.
It was such a good night. None of the conversations were 'out of the ordinary', they were just about the way we live.
Such a good outlet to be able to talk openly and honestly about life without seeing raised eye brows or without the usual, 'they'll have to learn to sleep on their own, you need your own space', 'are they enrolled at school yet'.
Calm amidst the storm that is our life at the moment.
Monday 26 April 2010
A weary week
Well, this week has been a bit of a nightmare.
I have no idea what's up with Sylvie but she's driving me mad. I can feel my frontal lobe throbbing for most of the day!!!!!!!!!!!
She's all over the place - she's making really annoying noises, won't do anything she's asked, and is generally just unpleasant to be around. She's not like my Sylvie at all. I feel as though she's been replaced by some hormone driven teenager - even though she's only three and a half!
I've been reading Jan Hunt's The Natural Child along side Naomi Aldort - they both compliment each other perfectly. I can see how I'd like to react to Sylvie's bizarre behaviour and I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from, (though I'm not fully opening my eyes to where it's coming from because I'm worried that I don't know how to change our family dynamic - I only have one pair of hands after all... very hard), so that I can address the cause instead of losing my rag. I've been horrible all week which fuels this monster of frustration and annoyance that keeps growing and growing between us. I've been shouty, angry and really really tired. I'd managed to keep away from sugar and general crap food until yesterday when I thought, 'what the hell - where's the pleasure in life? Give me chocolate' but today I feel even MORE tired and tetchy!
I think a big part of the problem with Sylvie's behaviour at the moment is sleep... she doesn't have enough of it in her life. Bed time's not too good - if she's tired she's on the ceiling and it's so hard to help her down. She becomes more and more 'hyper', (awful word but helps to describe what's happening) and loses control of her faculties! I recognise this and do my best to have her in her bedroom before it happens but sometimes, events take over and bedtime is bloody awful. Nap times don't exist. With three kids under four all who need so much all of the time, I can't figure out how to make 'nap time' work - going out in the car doesn't even work for Sylvs. I can see how tired she is - red in the face and puffy eyed, but she just won't sleep.
I know shouting does not make anything better. In the case of Sylvie it makes things much worse. I felt like I just wanted to crawl into a hole on Tuesday and shouted far too much. As a result, when we went to home ed group on Wednesday Sylvie was shouting and roaring at all of the other children - achhhk... not good eh. Poor little thing.
So, all in all, I'm frustrated so much with Sylvie but don't have any outlet from her AT ALL so I can get my head 'round how to put things into perspective. This week has been a downward spiral of both attitude and behaviour and I feel like s@@@ite about the way I've been handling things. I've resorted back to how I was parented which is not what I want to do.
I think today and the coming week needs to be about gentle words and voices and lots of cuddles, but I can't let her hit and hurt her sister, or shout in Annabelle's face as loud as her lungs will allow because it's just not on. Hopefully things will settle down.
Other than battling, we've been doing lots of growing!!!
Purple broccoli
lettuce
radish
potato
rocket
marigolds
raspberries
blackcurrants
apples
pears
nasturtiums
and hopefully some of next door's rhubarb!!!
All edible and in every available spot in the garden.
I have no idea what's up with Sylvie but she's driving me mad. I can feel my frontal lobe throbbing for most of the day!!!!!!!!!!!
She's all over the place - she's making really annoying noises, won't do anything she's asked, and is generally just unpleasant to be around. She's not like my Sylvie at all. I feel as though she's been replaced by some hormone driven teenager - even though she's only three and a half!
I've been reading Jan Hunt's The Natural Child along side Naomi Aldort - they both compliment each other perfectly. I can see how I'd like to react to Sylvie's bizarre behaviour and I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from, (though I'm not fully opening my eyes to where it's coming from because I'm worried that I don't know how to change our family dynamic - I only have one pair of hands after all... very hard), so that I can address the cause instead of losing my rag. I've been horrible all week which fuels this monster of frustration and annoyance that keeps growing and growing between us. I've been shouty, angry and really really tired. I'd managed to keep away from sugar and general crap food until yesterday when I thought, 'what the hell - where's the pleasure in life? Give me chocolate' but today I feel even MORE tired and tetchy!
I think a big part of the problem with Sylvie's behaviour at the moment is sleep... she doesn't have enough of it in her life. Bed time's not too good - if she's tired she's on the ceiling and it's so hard to help her down. She becomes more and more 'hyper', (awful word but helps to describe what's happening) and loses control of her faculties! I recognise this and do my best to have her in her bedroom before it happens but sometimes, events take over and bedtime is bloody awful. Nap times don't exist. With three kids under four all who need so much all of the time, I can't figure out how to make 'nap time' work - going out in the car doesn't even work for Sylvs. I can see how tired she is - red in the face and puffy eyed, but she just won't sleep.
I know shouting does not make anything better. In the case of Sylvie it makes things much worse. I felt like I just wanted to crawl into a hole on Tuesday and shouted far too much. As a result, when we went to home ed group on Wednesday Sylvie was shouting and roaring at all of the other children - achhhk... not good eh. Poor little thing.
So, all in all, I'm frustrated so much with Sylvie but don't have any outlet from her AT ALL so I can get my head 'round how to put things into perspective. This week has been a downward spiral of both attitude and behaviour and I feel like s@@@ite about the way I've been handling things. I've resorted back to how I was parented which is not what I want to do.
I think today and the coming week needs to be about gentle words and voices and lots of cuddles, but I can't let her hit and hurt her sister, or shout in Annabelle's face as loud as her lungs will allow because it's just not on. Hopefully things will settle down.
Other than battling, we've been doing lots of growing!!!
Purple broccoli
lettuce
radish
potato
rocket
marigolds
raspberries
blackcurrants
apples
pears
nasturtiums
and hopefully some of next door's rhubarb!!!
All edible and in every available spot in the garden.
Two girls having lots of fun in the garden. Splish, splash, splosh. Bea likes nothing better than to be filthy and soaking with a handful of sticks!
Oooops.
I love this photo of Sylvie and Bea even though it's out of focus and unbalanced...
This is quite possibly the last time Beatrice was in the bath, (beginning of Feb). She's terrified of it - screams with the voice of ten people when ever having a bath's mentioned. Needless to say, she's a bit rank, but I'm sure she'll move on from her phobia soon enough, (either that or environmental health will come knocking....).
We've just pottered around the garden and in the house today. I have the great idea of taking the paints into the garden this morning. What a nightmare. The girls had a great time but the clean up operation is huge. The back of the house is now pink, yellow and blue, as it the patio area. Better than grey and brown I suppose... nevermind, I'm sure the rain will wash it off for us!
Time has flown by.
We've got beans soaking for our five bean chili tomorrow night and we've got some more beans soaking ready to sprout for salads and snacks. We made some spelt bread buns this morning which worked out really well and we were going to make a cake for Mark to take to work tomorrow - something's going on, can't remember what, but I've decided against that. If I'm not eating any more crap then I'm not baking it for other people - too close to temptation when it's such early days!
I'm very tired. I've found today good, but hard. Mark's in from work now and he's downstairs with the girls. It sounds like chaos.
Saturday 24 April 2010
Clear Out
I've Freecycled all of mum's clothes and some one's coming to collect them at 6pm.
I feel really panicked by the situation and want to hoard everything but there's just not the space! I've kept everything I can wear but she was 30 years older than me and I'm not ready to wear my pension gear just yet!!!
I hope the woman who comes to collect them is nice. I hate to think of mum's stuff being discarded. Charity shops were not an option. Mum was as big as me and I didn't want anyone holding up a pair of big trousers and laughing at them! It seems more sensible to advertise of Freecycle for some one of an equal size to come and collect them.
Got a lump in my throat and that chest rope is tightening but hopefully it will pass once the clothes have been collected.
Sylvie's wet herself six times today so far. Not sure what's going on there but she's obviously unhappy about some thing!!!!!!!!!!!! I some times think our washing much cause a surge on the National Grid. Thank goodness we've got a long washing line and that the sun's shining.
Friday 23 April 2010
Slow
We've had a slow, ordinary kind of day today.
Yesterday was fab and physically quite tiring. We went to Gibside with my dad. We left the house intending to go to Chopwell Woods, however, we took a wrong turn and couldn't right ourselves so, Gibside it was.
Sylvie and Bea loved it and I loved watching them have such a good time! Wide open spaces, grass, flowers, hills, woods, what else could two little girlies need? Annabelle slept most of the time. She was just hanging around in the sling being a gorgeous little baby! All good.
Today we again tried to find Chopwell Woods and although we succeeded, Bea just couldn't be bothered to walk very far. Poor Annabelle still isn't right either. I've been washing her bum with chamomile tea and lavender oil and have put some anti septic on her belly button and under her neck but really, she's in a right state. Babies are not clean little bundles of hygene are they!!!! Sick, generally scuzzy skin issues and lots of snot make up quite a bit of babyhood in our house. Ooooo, but so fantastic all the same. I love my little girls, no matter how foisty they have the potential to become...
I showered with Annabelle this morning to try and soothe her sore patches but really I've probably just made them dry out any more. She's scratching like a tom cat when ever her nappy comes off. I'm sure things will be fine. Since using the chamomile tea and lavender she doesn't look quite so red.
The Tyne and Wear home ed group were planning to meet at Cullercoats Beach this morning but it's too far for us to go at the minute with an unhappy, uncomfy baby. Once her bum's sorted I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual!
I want to find some where beautiful, wide open, away from all traffic and totally natural yet accessible! Durham is a fantastic city but where we live is miles away from my ideal of childhood freedom. The country side/accessible wild land is always a drive away.
Oooo, here comes Bea, crying for me. Mark's downstairs with the girls but it must have gone a bit wrong.
Over and out.
Yesterday was fab and physically quite tiring. We went to Gibside with my dad. We left the house intending to go to Chopwell Woods, however, we took a wrong turn and couldn't right ourselves so, Gibside it was.
Sylvie and Bea loved it and I loved watching them have such a good time! Wide open spaces, grass, flowers, hills, woods, what else could two little girlies need? Annabelle slept most of the time. She was just hanging around in the sling being a gorgeous little baby! All good.
Today we again tried to find Chopwell Woods and although we succeeded, Bea just couldn't be bothered to walk very far. Poor Annabelle still isn't right either. I've been washing her bum with chamomile tea and lavender oil and have put some anti septic on her belly button and under her neck but really, she's in a right state. Babies are not clean little bundles of hygene are they!!!! Sick, generally scuzzy skin issues and lots of snot make up quite a bit of babyhood in our house. Ooooo, but so fantastic all the same. I love my little girls, no matter how foisty they have the potential to become...
I showered with Annabelle this morning to try and soothe her sore patches but really I've probably just made them dry out any more. She's scratching like a tom cat when ever her nappy comes off. I'm sure things will be fine. Since using the chamomile tea and lavender she doesn't look quite so red.
The Tyne and Wear home ed group were planning to meet at Cullercoats Beach this morning but it's too far for us to go at the minute with an unhappy, uncomfy baby. Once her bum's sorted I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual!
I want to find some where beautiful, wide open, away from all traffic and totally natural yet accessible! Durham is a fantastic city but where we live is miles away from my ideal of childhood freedom. The country side/accessible wild land is always a drive away.
Oooo, here comes Bea, crying for me. Mark's downstairs with the girls but it must have gone a bit wrong.
Over and out.
Wednesday 21 April 2010
Truth
Took the girls out to our local home ed meet up this morning. It's only on once a fortnight and we've always been crap at making in there but made an effort this morning and I'm so glad we did.
I often dread going anywhere like a play group due to the aggression Bea shows towards other children. She'd sooner push them over and jump on them as say hello! She was only 2 in December so I have no doubt that what she's displaying isn't malicious at all but it's still quite controversial!
The first 'fight' started five minutes after walking into the hall this morning. I think it was over a sheet of paper. The second fight happened two minutes later whilst I had Annabelle balanced on a changing mat on top of a book case - not ideal as intervention was necessary.
I said to one of the mums, 'do you ever think there's some thing wrong with your children' and I honestly meant it. I felt tearful, stressed out and helpless. My lovely friend answered, 'yes, but then their behaviour changes and I realise they are fine' which made me feel a bit better.
As the morning progressed there were more altercations between Bea and the other little girl. Her mum and I started chatting and it turns out we have the same concerns about our feisty, spirited children! It was such a relief to have a conversation about how challenging we find going out and mixing with other people's kids. We chatted about how we deal with the aggressive outbursts, how we'd like to deal with them and how it all makes us feel... and no, we don't believe that our children's cat fights are a cry for more attention!
I know that if I show Bea that I'm stressed things just get worse. She responds so much better to a calm, controlled attitude. Sylvie went through an awful phase after my mum died. She was clearly grieving for the loss of her nana and could only articulate her feelings through very disruptive behaviour. I had no self control and shouted a lot which made things so much worse. Poor little thing must have felt so lost. Sylvie calmed down a heck of a lot as soon as I did and I do think that Bea's the same. Problem is - it's so difficult trying not to parent the way that I was parented. I was shouted at and smacked, (I don't smack) and treat with the same general disregard as the majority of the population! I fully intend NOT to be like that, however, when fire fighting old learned behaviours raise their ugly head; I don't listen and I make everything worse.
Naomi Aldort's suggestions have really helped me so I'm going to keep going with them. I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to accept that changing personality traits and learned behaviours is not easy - I might slip up every now and again and although that's not necessarily OK, I will always be doing my best.
As for the diet... Green and Blacks choc is on special at the Co-op, £1 a bar. Makes it even more appealing, however, things really really must change. I'm so bloody lethargic and I'm sure my inability to cope not only comes from having three children of three and under and a recently deceased mother, (!!!) but also the crap that I'm eating. Where's the self respect?
Annabelle's still not feeling too well. Her backside is red raw. Can't give her nappy free time as she just scratches constantly and no creams are working. One of the girls at the group this morning suggested using a terry square without a wrap so that the air can get to her but she can't scratch. I've got some baby legs so that should be OK.
We were invited to a party at a fire station this afternoon but I couldn't put her in the car for the time it would've taken to drive there as she's so unsettled! Hurray for tomorrow... another day, another start. Here's hoping she's feeling a bit better eh!
I often dread going anywhere like a play group due to the aggression Bea shows towards other children. She'd sooner push them over and jump on them as say hello! She was only 2 in December so I have no doubt that what she's displaying isn't malicious at all but it's still quite controversial!
The first 'fight' started five minutes after walking into the hall this morning. I think it was over a sheet of paper. The second fight happened two minutes later whilst I had Annabelle balanced on a changing mat on top of a book case - not ideal as intervention was necessary.
I said to one of the mums, 'do you ever think there's some thing wrong with your children' and I honestly meant it. I felt tearful, stressed out and helpless. My lovely friend answered, 'yes, but then their behaviour changes and I realise they are fine' which made me feel a bit better.
As the morning progressed there were more altercations between Bea and the other little girl. Her mum and I started chatting and it turns out we have the same concerns about our feisty, spirited children! It was such a relief to have a conversation about how challenging we find going out and mixing with other people's kids. We chatted about how we deal with the aggressive outbursts, how we'd like to deal with them and how it all makes us feel... and no, we don't believe that our children's cat fights are a cry for more attention!
I know that if I show Bea that I'm stressed things just get worse. She responds so much better to a calm, controlled attitude. Sylvie went through an awful phase after my mum died. She was clearly grieving for the loss of her nana and could only articulate her feelings through very disruptive behaviour. I had no self control and shouted a lot which made things so much worse. Poor little thing must have felt so lost. Sylvie calmed down a heck of a lot as soon as I did and I do think that Bea's the same. Problem is - it's so difficult trying not to parent the way that I was parented. I was shouted at and smacked, (I don't smack) and treat with the same general disregard as the majority of the population! I fully intend NOT to be like that, however, when fire fighting old learned behaviours raise their ugly head; I don't listen and I make everything worse.
Naomi Aldort's suggestions have really helped me so I'm going to keep going with them. I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to accept that changing personality traits and learned behaviours is not easy - I might slip up every now and again and although that's not necessarily OK, I will always be doing my best.
As for the diet... Green and Blacks choc is on special at the Co-op, £1 a bar. Makes it even more appealing, however, things really really must change. I'm so bloody lethargic and I'm sure my inability to cope not only comes from having three children of three and under and a recently deceased mother, (!!!) but also the crap that I'm eating. Where's the self respect?
Annabelle's still not feeling too well. Her backside is red raw. Can't give her nappy free time as she just scratches constantly and no creams are working. One of the girls at the group this morning suggested using a terry square without a wrap so that the air can get to her but she can't scratch. I've got some baby legs so that should be OK.
We were invited to a party at a fire station this afternoon but I couldn't put her in the car for the time it would've taken to drive there as she's so unsettled! Hurray for tomorrow... another day, another start. Here's hoping she's feeling a bit better eh!
Tuesday 20 April 2010
Busy day
We've had a smashing day today, which suprises me as Sylvie and I were both really tired this morning. She didn't go to bed until late last night and was up at 7. Bea, on the other hand, was in bed at 6.30 last night so she was bright and breezy when she popped her eyes open at 6.30 this morning!
Annabelle has slept in the sling most of today, as usual, though I am a bit worried about her as her bum is bright red and looks so sore. I'm using some Weleda Calendula cream to help soothe her. I've been considering ECing, but I don't think it's for us. Some mornings I'm so overwhelmed by mothering three small children that I think adding another thing to the scales would send me flying off into space, never to return!
My mission for this week, (and hopefully for the future) is not to shout at the girls. I hate doing it, they hate me doing it and it makes no sense to do it as it's totally counter productive. I flare up so easily - paticularly when living on such a small amount of sleep.
Naomi Aldort has been my constant companion for the last few days. I managed to read a couple of chapters of 'Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves', and I'm trying to put her SALVE method of staying calm and sensible to good use. So far so good - most of the time. Other methods of dealing with stuff that annoys me challenge my personality too much however, I think what Naomi suggests is effective and easily accessible.
Anyway, back to today.
By about 10am I thought that the day was never going to end so I chucked the little ones in the car and we headed to the Botanic Gardens for some fresh air and a good run around. We had a fab time until Bea filled her nappy and Sylvie decided that she needed the loo... not the kind of toilet stop that could be done behind a bush! We headed back to the toilet then decided that we might as well leave as we were right next to the exit, (we'd been there a couple of hours anyway).
I called at the garden centre to buy a couple of lupins on the way home. I've got some seeds doing their thing on the utility room windowsil but I don't think they'll make much progress in the garden this year so I've bought some decent sized plants.
Bea and Annabelle were asleep in the car so I decided to take the girls to Finachle Abbey which is just down the road from us. It's a National Trust place that I remember from my childhood.
It was really nice - we had a good walk along the river side, Sylvie and Bea played in the sand and thoroughly enjoyed being in nature. A very satisfying afternoon for all of us....
The girls throwing sticks into a waterfall at the Botanic Gardens
Sylvie admiring the flowers. Note the 'hood hair'. Miraculous tats form when she wears her hood. It only takes seconds for them to form but a bath and loads of conditioner to get them out again!!
The longest bridge...
Sylvie thought this leaf was like a beautiful rainbow
Bea looking for fairies...
Bea decided that this hill made an excellent slide... Sylvie soon joined in.
And Annabelle just hung around being a delicious 17 wk old baby
A rare shot of the girls sitting together
The Abbey
Annabelle has slept in the sling most of today, as usual, though I am a bit worried about her as her bum is bright red and looks so sore. I'm using some Weleda Calendula cream to help soothe her. I've been considering ECing, but I don't think it's for us. Some mornings I'm so overwhelmed by mothering three small children that I think adding another thing to the scales would send me flying off into space, never to return!
My mission for this week, (and hopefully for the future) is not to shout at the girls. I hate doing it, they hate me doing it and it makes no sense to do it as it's totally counter productive. I flare up so easily - paticularly when living on such a small amount of sleep.
Naomi Aldort has been my constant companion for the last few days. I managed to read a couple of chapters of 'Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves', and I'm trying to put her SALVE method of staying calm and sensible to good use. So far so good - most of the time. Other methods of dealing with stuff that annoys me challenge my personality too much however, I think what Naomi suggests is effective and easily accessible.
Anyway, back to today.
By about 10am I thought that the day was never going to end so I chucked the little ones in the car and we headed to the Botanic Gardens for some fresh air and a good run around. We had a fab time until Bea filled her nappy and Sylvie decided that she needed the loo... not the kind of toilet stop that could be done behind a bush! We headed back to the toilet then decided that we might as well leave as we were right next to the exit, (we'd been there a couple of hours anyway).
I called at the garden centre to buy a couple of lupins on the way home. I've got some seeds doing their thing on the utility room windowsil but I don't think they'll make much progress in the garden this year so I've bought some decent sized plants.
Bea and Annabelle were asleep in the car so I decided to take the girls to Finachle Abbey which is just down the road from us. It's a National Trust place that I remember from my childhood.
It was really nice - we had a good walk along the river side, Sylvie and Bea played in the sand and thoroughly enjoyed being in nature. A very satisfying afternoon for all of us....
The girls throwing sticks into a waterfall at the Botanic Gardens
Sylvie admiring the flowers. Note the 'hood hair'. Miraculous tats form when she wears her hood. It only takes seconds for them to form but a bath and loads of conditioner to get them out again!!
The longest bridge...
Sylvie thought this leaf was like a beautiful rainbow
Bea looking for fairies...
Bea decided that this hill made an excellent slide... Sylvie soon joined in.
And Annabelle just hung around being a delicious 17 wk old baby
A rare shot of the girls sitting together
The Abbey
Sunday 18 April 2010
Friday 9 April 2010
Is it really only 9am?? How’s that happened?
I tried to read a magazine while Annabelle fed through the night last night, however, I was so tired and full of sleep that my eyes wouldn’t focus! Ha! Never mind eh. I know this intense time of sheer exhaustion won’t last forever, (fingers crossed!).
We’ve got our very own ‘red thread’ meeting at the beginning of May which I’m hoping will give me some inspiration and a bit of a boost – I think we all need it at the moment.
The last couple of days have been, er, trying. Dad said he’d like to go to the Botanic Gardens yesterday to photograph the daffodils while they’re still in bloom. He was meant to be here by 9.30am, however, he rang at 9.35 to say that he’d just got out of bed!!! What?? I was a tad peeved as the girls were ready and looking forward to a day out with granddad and I also felt really upset. That’s not the kind of thing mum would do! I miss her so so much at the minute. I feel a constant well of sadness which just intensifies when ever I go near my dad or speak to him on the phone. He sounds so old and he doesn’t see anyone from one day to the next. I’ve tried to encourage him to apply for a house near us in Durham but he’ll not have any of it. Mam hated living in Burnhope. It’s a total shit hole; no redeeming qualities what so ever, there’s not even decent public transport to get you out of there and although she pushed dad to move he would never agree and it looks like now he’s there on his own he’s still not going to make any effort to get out. I can understand why I suppose. He’s got a big garden and a shed which is where he used to spend most of his day, and being a Council tenant, who knows what he’ll end up living next to. His neighbours aren’t exactly friendly but at least there’s no noise and he’s comfortable.
I think part of why I’m feeling so down, apart from the obvious, is that it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I’m dreading it. First one of many without my mother. She always made such an effort and now she’s not there even to speak to. All the love she had to give, totally vanished. My poor girls are missing out on so much. I know if affected Sylvie. Her behaviour was dire for a couple of weeks after mam died. She’s settled down a lot now but she’s not the same, (then again, she’s older, and she’s lost her little bear, Ning Ning who she really did love and used as a bit of a crutch, oh, and Annabelle appeared!). I think the biggest hole left behind when someone dies is the love that just goes. Your mother – some one who loves you unconditionally and without question no longer exists on any physical level. It’s a very lonely and frightening feeling.
Anyway – yesterday was hard because I think Sylvie was tired. Oh yes, tired children, what joy eh? The Botanic Garden idea was blown out of the water by dad being crap so we accepted an invite to go to a play group with a friend. We’d never been before and we’ll never be going again. It was £4 to go in, (!!!!!!!!!! that’s a quarter of my weekly budget), and no sooner did we enter than Sylvie started to scream. She now has the tantrums I’ve seen other kids have and thought, ‘thank god that’s not one of mine’…. Those thoughts are now biting me on the backside – the child screaming ‘is’ mine. Bea was waltzing ‘round pushing all the little kids, as she does, and I was bright red and totally stressed!
We left quite quickly and came home to peace and quiet until our friend Rebecca came to visit. Again, Sylvie seemed upset and unsettled so the entire day was quite tense.
We went out for a walk before bed so everyone could wind down a bit and it seemed to do the trick.
I knew as soon as we got in the car yesterday morning that the play group wasn’t a good idea. I was upset and agitated and I’d bathed Bea!!!! She HATES going in the bath and screams with the voice of ten people… it’s horrendous. I couldn’t stand looking at her hair caked in food and muck any longer yesterday though and stuck her in after Sylvie. I felt so guilty! I managed to wash her hair then did her the injustice of cleaning her teeth…. I wonder what the neighbours think? She’s really difficult to do anything with. All things physical are a total battle. Nappy changing is such a pain because she really does hate it. I worry that I’m causing some lasting damage to be honest. I should have followed my instinct and gone to the Botanic Gardens anyway. The sun was shining and it was gloriously warm so what did we do, we went into a church hall full of plastic tat and had a scream. Great.
The day before was dire too but I can’t remember why now. It’s all blending into one!
I’m a lot more tired than usual. I’ve made loads of green juice this morning which I’m loving. There’s a jug of it in the fridge to drink throughout the day. I tried to give Sylvie some but she looked at me like I was mad so I made her pineapple, apple and pear instead…. So far today that’s all she’s had. She’s holding out for ice cream at the sea side. Sadly, after yesterday’s fiasco I don’t think I’ve got enough money left to buy her one – how awful is that!!!
I will be healthy today. I can’t cope with a lack of sleep, three very young and rightfully demanding, intense children AND the constant come downs from eating crap. It’s just not good. I must remember the words of my mother, ‘lose weight Fay and look after your bowels’. So hard when all I want to do is eat carbs due to lack of sleep, however, things must change, they really must.
I’ve had toast with butter and honey, (not too much though) and Camomile tea for breakfast along with a glass of green juice. I’ve got a blanket of tiredness slowly creeping it’s way down from my eyebrows but hopefully the fresh air at the Coast should help sort that out.
We’re going to South Shields Park to meet the under 7s Tyne and Wear Home Ed Group and I’m really looking forward to it. I used to work at Shields, South Tyneside Council and hated every minute of it so here’s hoping I don’t meet anyone from the office! Doubt they’ll recognise me though to be honest…
Me with Annabelle in the sling in our kitchen which we'll soon be decorating!
I tried to read a magazine while Annabelle fed through the night last night, however, I was so tired and full of sleep that my eyes wouldn’t focus! Ha! Never mind eh. I know this intense time of sheer exhaustion won’t last forever, (fingers crossed!).
We’ve got our very own ‘red thread’ meeting at the beginning of May which I’m hoping will give me some inspiration and a bit of a boost – I think we all need it at the moment.
The last couple of days have been, er, trying. Dad said he’d like to go to the Botanic Gardens yesterday to photograph the daffodils while they’re still in bloom. He was meant to be here by 9.30am, however, he rang at 9.35 to say that he’d just got out of bed!!! What?? I was a tad peeved as the girls were ready and looking forward to a day out with granddad and I also felt really upset. That’s not the kind of thing mum would do! I miss her so so much at the minute. I feel a constant well of sadness which just intensifies when ever I go near my dad or speak to him on the phone. He sounds so old and he doesn’t see anyone from one day to the next. I’ve tried to encourage him to apply for a house near us in Durham but he’ll not have any of it. Mam hated living in Burnhope. It’s a total shit hole; no redeeming qualities what so ever, there’s not even decent public transport to get you out of there and although she pushed dad to move he would never agree and it looks like now he’s there on his own he’s still not going to make any effort to get out. I can understand why I suppose. He’s got a big garden and a shed which is where he used to spend most of his day, and being a Council tenant, who knows what he’ll end up living next to. His neighbours aren’t exactly friendly but at least there’s no noise and he’s comfortable.
I think part of why I’m feeling so down, apart from the obvious, is that it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I’m dreading it. First one of many without my mother. She always made such an effort and now she’s not there even to speak to. All the love she had to give, totally vanished. My poor girls are missing out on so much. I know if affected Sylvie. Her behaviour was dire for a couple of weeks after mam died. She’s settled down a lot now but she’s not the same, (then again, she’s older, and she’s lost her little bear, Ning Ning who she really did love and used as a bit of a crutch, oh, and Annabelle appeared!). I think the biggest hole left behind when someone dies is the love that just goes. Your mother – some one who loves you unconditionally and without question no longer exists on any physical level. It’s a very lonely and frightening feeling.
Anyway – yesterday was hard because I think Sylvie was tired. Oh yes, tired children, what joy eh? The Botanic Garden idea was blown out of the water by dad being crap so we accepted an invite to go to a play group with a friend. We’d never been before and we’ll never be going again. It was £4 to go in, (!!!!!!!!!! that’s a quarter of my weekly budget), and no sooner did we enter than Sylvie started to scream. She now has the tantrums I’ve seen other kids have and thought, ‘thank god that’s not one of mine’…. Those thoughts are now biting me on the backside – the child screaming ‘is’ mine. Bea was waltzing ‘round pushing all the little kids, as she does, and I was bright red and totally stressed!
We left quite quickly and came home to peace and quiet until our friend Rebecca came to visit. Again, Sylvie seemed upset and unsettled so the entire day was quite tense.
We went out for a walk before bed so everyone could wind down a bit and it seemed to do the trick.
I knew as soon as we got in the car yesterday morning that the play group wasn’t a good idea. I was upset and agitated and I’d bathed Bea!!!! She HATES going in the bath and screams with the voice of ten people… it’s horrendous. I couldn’t stand looking at her hair caked in food and muck any longer yesterday though and stuck her in after Sylvie. I felt so guilty! I managed to wash her hair then did her the injustice of cleaning her teeth…. I wonder what the neighbours think? She’s really difficult to do anything with. All things physical are a total battle. Nappy changing is such a pain because she really does hate it. I worry that I’m causing some lasting damage to be honest. I should have followed my instinct and gone to the Botanic Gardens anyway. The sun was shining and it was gloriously warm so what did we do, we went into a church hall full of plastic tat and had a scream. Great.
The day before was dire too but I can’t remember why now. It’s all blending into one!
I’m a lot more tired than usual. I’ve made loads of green juice this morning which I’m loving. There’s a jug of it in the fridge to drink throughout the day. I tried to give Sylvie some but she looked at me like I was mad so I made her pineapple, apple and pear instead…. So far today that’s all she’s had. She’s holding out for ice cream at the sea side. Sadly, after yesterday’s fiasco I don’t think I’ve got enough money left to buy her one – how awful is that!!!
I will be healthy today. I can’t cope with a lack of sleep, three very young and rightfully demanding, intense children AND the constant come downs from eating crap. It’s just not good. I must remember the words of my mother, ‘lose weight Fay and look after your bowels’. So hard when all I want to do is eat carbs due to lack of sleep, however, things must change, they really must.
I’ve had toast with butter and honey, (not too much though) and Camomile tea for breakfast along with a glass of green juice. I’ve got a blanket of tiredness slowly creeping it’s way down from my eyebrows but hopefully the fresh air at the Coast should help sort that out.
We’re going to South Shields Park to meet the under 7s Tyne and Wear Home Ed Group and I’m really looking forward to it. I used to work at Shields, South Tyneside Council and hated every minute of it so here’s hoping I don’t meet anyone from the office! Doubt they’ll recognise me though to be honest…
Me with Annabelle in the sling in our kitchen which we'll soon be decorating!
Tuesday 6 April 2010
I’m so tired this morning that I can hardly move. Three children, however, do not allow one to wallow in their own self pity about how little sleep they’ve had.
Annabelle has been really unsettled on a night lately and I’m not sure why. She was fab for a few weeks, she only woke once for a good old gut filling feed, (I know, amazing eh!) but now she’s feeding three times during the night and wriggling about lots, (oh, and believe me, I know that for a breast fed baby 3 feeds during the night is nothing. Bea was still waking 6 or 7 times when she was 9 months old. Crikey, she was/still is soooo intense!).
It is, of course, her birth rite as a 15 week old baby to wake as frequently as she wants to during the night. She’s free of the constraints of conscience and has a heck of a lot of growing to do… I just wish that when feeling this tired, (which, to be honest, is rare, I normally still function on an OK level) that I could be civil to people instead of being a right old troll.
I don’t even think I said goodbye to Mark this morning. Mind you, he annoyed me last night. He went to the pub with his pal and got back at 10.15 instead of the promised 9.45. I know, half an hour – however, I was totally knackered. Bea and Annabelle were still wide awake though I knew Bea was tired and I was having visions of today being a nightmare with a tired, aggressive, bad tempered toddler in tow. She’s been fine though ‘cause she didn’t drag her lazy arse out of bed ‘til 8am! Hurrahhhh.
The shopping has just been delivered. Everything looks fab – lots and lots of green food. I’m having a cup of Chamomile tea and typing this. Annabelle’s asleep in the sling and my other two witchlings are playing. Ahhhhh… I may be on the verge of nervous exhaustion, but hey, life is sweet!
Not sure if I want to use my gorgeous veg in a green juice. What if we don't like it - total waste.... hum. We shall see.
Oh, and stupidly I bought some green and Blacks white chocolate. I should've given it back to the delivery man but I didn't. So want today to be the start of something new therefore it may go to the neighbours. I can NOT have stuff like that in the house and not eat it. It's obsession, greed, necessity - everything rolled into one. I know that between my will and the chocolate, the chocolate will win. Not even a few chapters of Louise Hay's will sort out the choccie over ride button therefore it shall be evacuated - safe from reach.... while I'm still feeling strong eh!
Annabelle has been really unsettled on a night lately and I’m not sure why. She was fab for a few weeks, she only woke once for a good old gut filling feed, (I know, amazing eh!) but now she’s feeding three times during the night and wriggling about lots, (oh, and believe me, I know that for a breast fed baby 3 feeds during the night is nothing. Bea was still waking 6 or 7 times when she was 9 months old. Crikey, she was/still is soooo intense!).
It is, of course, her birth rite as a 15 week old baby to wake as frequently as she wants to during the night. She’s free of the constraints of conscience and has a heck of a lot of growing to do… I just wish that when feeling this tired, (which, to be honest, is rare, I normally still function on an OK level) that I could be civil to people instead of being a right old troll.
I don’t even think I said goodbye to Mark this morning. Mind you, he annoyed me last night. He went to the pub with his pal and got back at 10.15 instead of the promised 9.45. I know, half an hour – however, I was totally knackered. Bea and Annabelle were still wide awake though I knew Bea was tired and I was having visions of today being a nightmare with a tired, aggressive, bad tempered toddler in tow. She’s been fine though ‘cause she didn’t drag her lazy arse out of bed ‘til 8am! Hurrahhhh.
The shopping has just been delivered. Everything looks fab – lots and lots of green food. I’m having a cup of Chamomile tea and typing this. Annabelle’s asleep in the sling and my other two witchlings are playing. Ahhhhh… I may be on the verge of nervous exhaustion, but hey, life is sweet!
Not sure if I want to use my gorgeous veg in a green juice. What if we don't like it - total waste.... hum. We shall see.
Oh, and stupidly I bought some green and Blacks white chocolate. I should've given it back to the delivery man but I didn't. So want today to be the start of something new therefore it may go to the neighbours. I can NOT have stuff like that in the house and not eat it. It's obsession, greed, necessity - everything rolled into one. I know that between my will and the chocolate, the chocolate will win. Not even a few chapters of Louise Hay's will sort out the choccie over ride button therefore it shall be evacuated - safe from reach.... while I'm still feeling strong eh!
Monday 5 April 2010
Good day had by all...
Yesterday was a nice day, though we got off to a tricky start!
Packed the kids in the car, dad ready to follow us to the in laws... I put the key in the ignition of the Citroen and nothing happened, total black out.
Called the AA and luckily the lack of anything going on was due to a loose conection. Phew - no costs incurred thank goodness.
The thought of having to spend what little money we have on the car makes me feel kind of ill! I grew up with parents who literally had no money, but a dad who was competent at fixing anything and everything therefore the thought of paying anyone to do anything that I think dad could fix leaves and uneasy queasy feeling! Mark, on the other hand, grew up with parents who pay for everything therefore he seems to think that the handy man on the block is an inevitable part of life.
Yesterday was full of food, basically. We thought we weren't gonna be able to go to Mark's parent's house, 'cause of the car, so the girls were fed and watered by the time Mr AA gave us the OK. We, however, were not, and we enjoyed a feast prepared by Mark's mum.
She'd also bought the girls, (and Mark) Easter eggs, which is a sticky point for me.
This year they've had Easter eggs - lots and lots of chocolate. As Easter is a time for change, a time for renewal and refreshment I'm using it as the starting point of our new, healthier lives, therefore, no more choccie! My children have no choice about what they eat. They're not old enough to make conscious decissions about what they do and don't put in their mouths therefore the ultimate responsibility lies with Mark and I to ensure we give them the best start in life. The best start does not mean eating sugar, a vile refined food, cocoa and caffine... I had got a bit excited about the prospect of using Aguave nectar until I read the Natural Life Magazine blog and Veronika's post on the Mother blogspot. It's just fructose syrup - possible more closely linked to obesity than sugar and deffinatley as bad for you as sugar so what's the point in that. As for artificial sweetners - the real thing's not good for you so how the hell can an artificial variation of the refined stuff be anything other than just wrong????
Anyway, I did an on-line shop. I like the idea of using a co-operative of organic growers for our fruit and veg, however, I don't know the contact details for the one closest to us, (Abundant Earth) so I used Tesco on line... Abundant Earth is open on a Saturday so we'll pop along next weekend and see what the prices are like.
I have plans for growing our veg in the garden, however, I'm taking one step at a time. I know that if I rush in and try to do everything at once without thought and planning, then nothing will work... I've always been too hasty - putting the breaks on is a point of self development!
I've bought good, healthy whole foods, organic where possible, (though yes, I know, coming from a Supermarket they're all wrapped in plastic), and I've asked my dad to bring the juicer down from his house. Mum bought it, used it about five times then asked him to stick it in the loft. I've checked out some green juice recipes so we're going to be juicing and eating good quality, healthy, home cooked food. Nothing refined or artificial, (you never know, we might actually manage to make our own butter one day!).
I feel as though I'm reinventing our family wheel when it comes to what we eat and what we'll grow in the garden. I really am starting from scratch. I have been uber healthy in my time and very very physically fit, (my pulse rate was so low that it was questioned by a consultant at the local hospital. I don't understand why they made a fuss considering the amount of exercise I used to enjoy), however, I wasn't necessarily eating food that was nourishing me properly. I used a lot of artificial sweetners and meat.
I want my children to grow up taking healthy, wholefoods for granted. They will just 'know' what's good to eat and won't have to think, plan and implement the way that I'm doing now. They'll have grown up home educated therefore with hands on experience of growing fruit and veg in the garden. They won't be checking out library books and meticulously planning to ensure that crops won't be wasted or planted at the wrong time - it will be in their cells... they will simply know what to do.
It's so important to me, as a mother, that my children know how to survive, and how to do it well. We don't know what the future will hold but with the prospect of peak oil and the cost of living rising and rising and the materialism of the every day over riding anything to do with the self, it's vital that they know who they are, what the are and how to live lightly, fairly and well. There's so much in the world to discover. They can't do that if their lives are filled with TV, video games and shallow needs. They're worth more than that, so much more.
Mark's having a shower and Annabelle's in her little chair listening to the water. Sylvie and Bea are playing downstairs and all is well.
I'm going to sign out now and spend time with my children. Perhaps we will paint! It's chucking down outside so I think we'll go out after lunch. Water proofs ahoy! They've had a lot of use this year... all good.
Packed the kids in the car, dad ready to follow us to the in laws... I put the key in the ignition of the Citroen and nothing happened, total black out.
Called the AA and luckily the lack of anything going on was due to a loose conection. Phew - no costs incurred thank goodness.
The thought of having to spend what little money we have on the car makes me feel kind of ill! I grew up with parents who literally had no money, but a dad who was competent at fixing anything and everything therefore the thought of paying anyone to do anything that I think dad could fix leaves and uneasy queasy feeling! Mark, on the other hand, grew up with parents who pay for everything therefore he seems to think that the handy man on the block is an inevitable part of life.
Yesterday was full of food, basically. We thought we weren't gonna be able to go to Mark's parent's house, 'cause of the car, so the girls were fed and watered by the time Mr AA gave us the OK. We, however, were not, and we enjoyed a feast prepared by Mark's mum.
She'd also bought the girls, (and Mark) Easter eggs, which is a sticky point for me.
This year they've had Easter eggs - lots and lots of chocolate. As Easter is a time for change, a time for renewal and refreshment I'm using it as the starting point of our new, healthier lives, therefore, no more choccie! My children have no choice about what they eat. They're not old enough to make conscious decissions about what they do and don't put in their mouths therefore the ultimate responsibility lies with Mark and I to ensure we give them the best start in life. The best start does not mean eating sugar, a vile refined food, cocoa and caffine... I had got a bit excited about the prospect of using Aguave nectar until I read the Natural Life Magazine blog and Veronika's post on the Mother blogspot. It's just fructose syrup - possible more closely linked to obesity than sugar and deffinatley as bad for you as sugar so what's the point in that. As for artificial sweetners - the real thing's not good for you so how the hell can an artificial variation of the refined stuff be anything other than just wrong????
Anyway, I did an on-line shop. I like the idea of using a co-operative of organic growers for our fruit and veg, however, I don't know the contact details for the one closest to us, (Abundant Earth) so I used Tesco on line... Abundant Earth is open on a Saturday so we'll pop along next weekend and see what the prices are like.
I have plans for growing our veg in the garden, however, I'm taking one step at a time. I know that if I rush in and try to do everything at once without thought and planning, then nothing will work... I've always been too hasty - putting the breaks on is a point of self development!
I've bought good, healthy whole foods, organic where possible, (though yes, I know, coming from a Supermarket they're all wrapped in plastic), and I've asked my dad to bring the juicer down from his house. Mum bought it, used it about five times then asked him to stick it in the loft. I've checked out some green juice recipes so we're going to be juicing and eating good quality, healthy, home cooked food. Nothing refined or artificial, (you never know, we might actually manage to make our own butter one day!).
I feel as though I'm reinventing our family wheel when it comes to what we eat and what we'll grow in the garden. I really am starting from scratch. I have been uber healthy in my time and very very physically fit, (my pulse rate was so low that it was questioned by a consultant at the local hospital. I don't understand why they made a fuss considering the amount of exercise I used to enjoy), however, I wasn't necessarily eating food that was nourishing me properly. I used a lot of artificial sweetners and meat.
I want my children to grow up taking healthy, wholefoods for granted. They will just 'know' what's good to eat and won't have to think, plan and implement the way that I'm doing now. They'll have grown up home educated therefore with hands on experience of growing fruit and veg in the garden. They won't be checking out library books and meticulously planning to ensure that crops won't be wasted or planted at the wrong time - it will be in their cells... they will simply know what to do.
It's so important to me, as a mother, that my children know how to survive, and how to do it well. We don't know what the future will hold but with the prospect of peak oil and the cost of living rising and rising and the materialism of the every day over riding anything to do with the self, it's vital that they know who they are, what the are and how to live lightly, fairly and well. There's so much in the world to discover. They can't do that if their lives are filled with TV, video games and shallow needs. They're worth more than that, so much more.
Mark's having a shower and Annabelle's in her little chair listening to the water. Sylvie and Bea are playing downstairs and all is well.
I'm going to sign out now and spend time with my children. Perhaps we will paint! It's chucking down outside so I think we'll go out after lunch. Water proofs ahoy! They've had a lot of use this year... all good.
Sunday 4 April 2010
My Mother
I feel like I have lost my deepest anchor, the person who in so many ways defined and steadied me. I wasn't prepared, I thought I was my own woman, that I was so different to her in my values and outlook, that her death would be painful but wouldn't challenge my existence. How wrong I was. How could I have been prepared? Now every scrap of her is precious; her photos, the things she kept in the drawer, her dressing gown that still has hankys in the pocket, birthday cards she kept that I'd sent her. All of these things feel like the only opportunity I now have to value her, to take my time and luxuriate in her in the way I wish I had when she was here, knowing as I do that as time goes on these small objects will become the all important triggers of her memory and so will become her, what she is now.
Now she's gone I realise that my mother taught me everything I know, not the fancy stuff, not my education or how to read a map - no, she taught me the important stuff - how to get tea on the table within thirty minutes of getting through the door, put a wash on, empty the bins and iron a shirt all at the same time. Most importantly she taught me how to love well. How to look after someone who's poorly, or take them a hot water bottle to make them feel cosy, or lay them a little tray with a boiled egg and a flower on, or to tuck them up in bed and kiss their forehead. She knew me better than anyone else is likely ever to know me, deeply, scarily, uncritically, I suppose unrealistically. And now there is no one to tell mine and the children's little triumphs to, knowing that she would be invariably chuffed and proud.
Saturday 3 April 2010
Welly tastic
Wow, what a kick start we had this morning - in more ways than one!
Bea woke with a jolt at about 5.30am and started wailing for her wellies, clouting me over the head and thrashing her legs about! I told her to go downstairs and put her wellies on, which she tried to do, however, they were locked in the porch. This lead to screams the Exorcist would envy, and also woke up Mark, (that takes a lot).
Once she'd managed to stick her wellies on on top of her fluffy sleep suit she was happy.
She climbed back into bed with me, snotty, dribbly and a bit sweaty from all of the crying and proceeded to stick her freezing cold wellies in my back.
One happy, welly clad girl, snuggly in bed without a care in the world.
She's now downstairs having her second breakfast - egg and toast, wearing her wellies and looking mighty dapper...
Bea woke with a jolt at about 5.30am and started wailing for her wellies, clouting me over the head and thrashing her legs about! I told her to go downstairs and put her wellies on, which she tried to do, however, they were locked in the porch. This lead to screams the Exorcist would envy, and also woke up Mark, (that takes a lot).
Once she'd managed to stick her wellies on on top of her fluffy sleep suit she was happy.
She climbed back into bed with me, snotty, dribbly and a bit sweaty from all of the crying and proceeded to stick her freezing cold wellies in my back.
One happy, welly clad girl, snuggly in bed without a care in the world.
She's now downstairs having her second breakfast - egg and toast, wearing her wellies and looking mighty dapper...
Spring Joy
The last week has flown over and it's been great. The girls have played together none stop, apart from the occasional break for a fight that is!!! We've stayed close to home, kept things simple and slow and we all seem to be feeling the benefit.
I'm less stressed than I usually am and we have three happy, healthy looking, vibrant children.
We did the usual trip to Tiddlywinks on Wednesday morning then Angela, Emma and Jess came to visit throughout Thursday but other than that, nothing - just entertained each other. The car was only used on Wednesday; considering it now costs £60 to fill up the tank I think it will be left standing on the drive a lot more often!
I have such ideals about how I want to be with my children. I do feel frustrated that I can't be the 'ideal' mother all of the time, (or at all on some days!!!) but at least I try. I'm working on being more patient and on being present with my children, instead of thinking of and doing other things when they need me. The time they are small passes so quickly - they deserve time, energy and respect.
My mission for this week - apart from being present with the children, is to make time for a story. Story time means quiet time, wind down time, focusing on doing nothing but listening and imagining... So far so good. There's no way I can persuade the two oldest girls to nap after lunch so settling down for a story in our quiet corner is a good alternative. Sylvie gets more and more wound up the more tired she gets so I really need to focus on keeping her calm so that when she's ready for bed she can actually sleep, instead of having to be scraped off the ceiling! I feel that the realisation that sometimes when she drives me crazy it's because she's too tired to cope has kind of unwound itself over the last couple of weeks. She becomes totally irrational, (now that's saying some thing for a three year old) and literally can not sit still even for a moment. She makes lots of loud, bizarre noises and basically goes a bit wild.
I'm looking out for the signals throughout the day and making sure she has enough rest and that she's in bed at a reasonable time, knowing that she wakes really early.
Spring is such a beautiful time. The sunshine and the longer days have given me a real boost. At first I was dreading the changing of the seasons as I felt moving from winter to spring would take me further away from mum, however, now that Spring's here I feel OK. I still have a rope tied tightly around my chest - occasionally it's pulled so hard that I can barely breath, but most of the time it allows me space to move and function without feeling suffocated and overwhelmed.
Easter has real significance this year. The giving of eggs, something which appears dead and dormant but contains new life, is so powerful and promises of a future filled with brightness and more happiness... sadness doesn't have to last forever.
I must say though, I'm not looking forward to my birthday. The rope twists and jerks when I contemplate celebrating the day I was born without the woman who birthed me and nurtured me as best she could for 33 years. Too sad.
I've been looking at mum's old diaries which she started to write when she was about 12. I check out what she was doing on January 23rd each year - February the 9th and January 23rd, the dates of her birth and her death - the most significant dates in her universe. When she arrived Earthside and when she left.
Mum loved Angels, so here’s a poem relevant to the seasons which would have made her smile:
SEASONS AND ARCHANGELS - ISABEL WYATT
Thou Gabriel!
Bring me the white stars of winter,
Of thy lilies and snows;
Till the blessing of life-giving water and moon-beam
Into me flows.
Thou Raphael!
Bring me the green grace of springtime
Of blithe sap and young leaves;
Till the blessing of breathing and music and healing
Into me weaves.
Thou Uriel!
Bring me the red flame of summer
From air's golden steeps
Till the blessing of fires of the rose and the rainbow
Into me leaps.
Thou Michael!
Plunge deep the blue sword of autumn
Where the dark dragon lurks;
Till the stirring of iron in the blood and the meteor
Into me works.
So, over the next week I'm going to be aiming to develop more of a rhythm to our days. I feel like we're just about there and that we've reached a turning point from chaos to OK! I know Sylvie won't be going back to nursery and I know that none of the girls will be going to school so, this is it! This is our life and these are our days so I'd might as well start being organised right now!!! I am, however, going to take things slowly. No rushing around taking them places which are meaningless and add nothing to their happiness. Saying that - I want them outside in nature as much as possible because they all love it and so do I. There's something deeply satisfying about seeing a child running around with a handful of sticks, covered in mud!
We've nothing planned for Mondays or Tuesdays. There's a home ed group that we can go to on a Wednesday and a Tyne and Wear home ed meet up on a Friday which is enough to keep us going for now. I can't wait for Book Buddies to start up at Gibside on the 20th April. We've got a season ticket for the Botanic Gardens and by the end of the month we'll have a Beamish ticket too. That, along with the big park that's being built at the other side of the estate is enough to keep us going throughout the spring! Oh, not forgetting the garden of course.
Bea's just come upstairs to see me so I'd best go before she starts playing with the keyboard. It's Saturday so Mark's downstairs with the other two - Annabelle fast asleep on his knee which he just loves.
Photos of what we've been up to including, making a spring frieze, making peg dollies to go with the Tree Blocks, doing some baking, (I made spelt bread while the girls just made a gorgeous mess! visiting the deer at Whitworth park and some other stuff)....
OH yes, and I've invited some fantastic mamas over for our very own Red Thread meeting at the end of April. All good.
Friday 19 March 2010
Quick Catch Up
We love going to the Baltic. There's an excellent room on the second floor called 'the Quay room' where the kids can run, draw, read, climb into an old boat and have a tea party, (!) and generally just relax and have a bit play. There are two comfy settees which makes breastfeeding the little one a lot easier too.We first went to the Baltic to meet the Tyne and Wear under 7s home ed group but we've been loads of times since. I really wish I could figure out how to put the photos on here in some kind of logical order, however, it's beyond me at the minute.
Friday, March 19th 2010
We had a brilliant day today. I took positive action and decided that Sylvie wouldn't be going back to nursery, so, we all went to Bill Quay Farm to meet the Tyne and Wear under 7 home ed group instead and it was fab! I will upload some photos later.Sylvie seemed so unhappy when I was dropping her at nursery and it just seemed so wrong. I thought to myself this morning, 'if she dies next week and I've been sending her to nursery two days a week when I don't think she's happy, then so much of her little life has been wasted doing nothing of value'. Crikey, I know this is totally morbid and perhaps a bit irrational, but still - she's far to young to know misery. Anyway, she won't be going back. We are a family and we're going to stick together and embrace each other's highs and lows. Time is precious and so is life, none of it should be wasted, especially when she states she'sd rather stay with us as opposed to going to nursery.
The girls love being outside and I love to see them running. It gives me a lump in my throat to see them in the wild, picking up sticks, jumping in mud, being free and uninhibited. Thank goodness Sylvie came with us.
I was really suprised when we got to the farm. It's bigger than I thought it would be and really easy to get 'round. The girls had a fab time looking at the animals, paticularly a huge ginger pig which seemed quite taken with them. Bea picked up a massive pile of filthy straw from in the middle of the road and started feeding it to the pig. Gave her hands a good scrub after, but she had a great time.
We got there at 10 and everyone else arrived at 11. Annabelle was twisty and tired in the house which is why we set off early. Nicola brought her dog and a friend's dog along with her and Sylvie got to hold the leader which she enjoyed, however, mark's having none of it. He so doesn't want us to have a dog! I'm not suprised really. He's always tasked with cleaning out the guinea pigs even though I said I'd take care of them, I should imagine he's worried about having to take a dog for a walk before work too. He wouldn't have to - it would be my exercise regieme! Nevermind...
Sylvie's staying at my dad's tonight to give her a change of scenary and to keep him company. Even though she's there he still sounded down on the phone when I rang him earlier. Very, very sad, and not going to get any better. Mark and I have scoffed a curry and Bea's presently banging something off the radiator in the living room and it feels like the entire house is moving. I've made some carrott muffins for our day out tomorrow, (don't know where to yet, depends on the weather), and Annabelle is flat out on my knee.
All is good.
I, however, need sleep.8.40pm, this is me, over and out.
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