Is it really only 9am?? How’s that happened?

I tried to read a magazine while Annabelle fed through the night last night, however, I was so tired and full of sleep that my eyes wouldn’t focus! Ha! Never mind eh. I know this intense time of sheer exhaustion won’t last forever, (fingers crossed!).
We’ve got our very own ‘red thread’ meeting at the beginning of May which I’m hoping will give me some inspiration and a bit of a boost – I think we all need it at the moment.

The last couple of days have been, er, trying. Dad said he’d like to go to the Botanic Gardens yesterday to photograph the daffodils while they’re still in bloom. He was meant to be here by 9.30am, however, he rang at 9.35 to say that he’d just got out of bed!!! What?? I was a tad peeved as the girls were ready and looking forward to a day out with granddad and I also felt really upset. That’s not the kind of thing mum would do! I miss her so so much at the minute. I feel a constant well of sadness which just intensifies when ever I go near my dad or speak to him on the phone. He sounds so old and he doesn’t see anyone from one day to the next. I’ve tried to encourage him to apply for a house near us in Durham but he’ll not have any of it. Mam hated living in Burnhope. It’s a total shit hole; no redeeming qualities what so ever, there’s not even decent public transport to get you out of there and although she pushed dad to move he would never agree and it looks like now he’s there on his own he’s still not going to make any effort to get out. I can understand why I suppose. He’s got a big garden and a shed which is where he used to spend most of his day, and being a Council tenant, who knows what he’ll end up living next to. His neighbours aren’t exactly friendly but at least there’s no noise and he’s comfortable.

I think part of why I’m feeling so down, apart from the obvious, is that it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I’m dreading it. First one of many without my mother. She always made such an effort and now she’s not there even to speak to. All the love she had to give, totally vanished. My poor girls are missing out on so much. I know if affected Sylvie. Her behaviour was dire for a couple of weeks after mam died. She’s settled down a lot now but she’s not the same, (then again, she’s older, and she’s lost her little bear, Ning Ning who she really did love and used as a bit of a crutch, oh, and Annabelle appeared!). I think the biggest hole left behind when someone dies is the love that just goes. Your mother – some one who loves you unconditionally and without question no longer exists on any physical level. It’s a very lonely and frightening feeling.

Anyway – yesterday was hard because I think Sylvie was tired. Oh yes, tired children, what joy eh? The Botanic Garden idea was blown out of the water by dad being crap so we accepted an invite to go to a play group with a friend. We’d never been before and we’ll never be going again. It was £4 to go in, (!!!!!!!!!! that’s a quarter of my weekly budget), and no sooner did we enter than Sylvie started to scream. She now has the tantrums I’ve seen other kids have and thought, ‘thank god that’s not one of mine’…. Those thoughts are now biting me on the backside – the child screaming ‘is’ mine. Bea was waltzing ‘round pushing all the little kids, as she does, and I was bright red and totally stressed!
We left quite quickly and came home to peace and quiet until our friend Rebecca came to visit. Again, Sylvie seemed upset and unsettled so the entire day was quite tense.
We went out for a walk before bed so everyone could wind down a bit and it seemed to do the trick.

I knew as soon as we got in the car yesterday morning that the play group wasn’t a good idea. I was upset and agitated and I’d bathed Bea!!!! She HATES going in the bath and screams with the voice of ten people… it’s horrendous. I couldn’t stand looking at her hair caked in food and muck any longer yesterday though and stuck her in after Sylvie. I felt so guilty! I managed to wash her hair then did her the injustice of cleaning her teeth…. I wonder what the neighbours think? She’s really difficult to do anything with. All things physical are a total battle. Nappy changing is such a pain because she really does hate it. I worry that I’m causing some lasting damage to be honest. I should have followed my instinct and gone to the Botanic Gardens anyway. The sun was shining and it was gloriously warm so what did we do, we went into a church hall full of plastic tat and had a scream. Great.

The day before was dire too but I can’t remember why now. It’s all blending into one!

I’m a lot more tired than usual. I’ve made loads of green juice this morning which I’m loving. There’s a jug of it in the fridge to drink throughout the day. I tried to give Sylvie some but she looked at me like I was mad so I made her pineapple, apple and pear instead…. So far today that’s all she’s had. She’s holding out for ice cream at the sea side. Sadly, after yesterday’s fiasco I don’t think I’ve got enough money left to buy her one – how awful is that!!!
I will be healthy today. I can’t cope with a lack of sleep, three very young and rightfully demanding, intense children AND the constant come downs from eating crap. It’s just not good. I must remember the words of my mother, ‘lose weight Fay and look after your bowels’. So hard when all I want to do is eat carbs due to lack of sleep, however, things must change, they really must.
I’ve had toast with butter and honey, (not too much though) and Camomile tea for breakfast along with a glass of green juice. I’ve got a blanket of tiredness slowly creeping it’s way down from my eyebrows but hopefully the fresh air at the Coast should help sort that out.

We’re going to South Shields Park to meet the under 7s Tyne and Wear Home Ed Group and I’m really looking forward to it. I used to work at Shields, South Tyneside Council and hated every minute of it so here’s hoping I don’t meet anyone from the office! Doubt they’ll recognise me though to be honest…



Me with Annabelle in the sling in our kitchen which we'll soon be decorating!