Truth

Took the girls out to our local home ed meet up this morning. It's only on once a fortnight and we've always been crap at making in there but made an effort this morning and I'm so glad we did.

I often dread going anywhere like a play group due to the aggression Bea shows towards other children. She'd sooner push them over and jump on them as say hello! She was only 2 in December so I have no doubt that what she's displaying isn't malicious at all but it's still quite controversial!

The first 'fight' started five minutes after walking into the hall this morning. I think it was over a sheet of paper. The second fight happened two minutes later whilst I had Annabelle balanced on a changing mat on top of a book case - not ideal as intervention was necessary.

I said to one of the mums, 'do you ever think there's some thing wrong with your children' and I honestly meant it. I felt tearful, stressed out and helpless. My lovely friend answered, 'yes, but then their behaviour changes and I realise they are fine' which made me feel a bit better.

As the morning progressed there were more altercations between Bea and the other little girl. Her mum and I started chatting and it turns out we have the same concerns about our feisty, spirited children! It was such a relief to have a conversation about how challenging we find going out and mixing with other people's kids. We chatted about how we deal with the aggressive outbursts, how we'd like to deal with them and how it all makes us feel... and no, we don't believe that our children's cat fights are a cry for more attention!

I know that if I show Bea that I'm stressed things just get worse. She responds so much better to a calm, controlled attitude. Sylvie went through an awful phase after my mum died. She was clearly grieving for the loss of her nana and could only articulate her feelings through very disruptive behaviour. I had no self control and shouted a lot which made things so much worse. Poor little thing must have felt so lost. Sylvie calmed down a heck of a lot as soon as I did and I do think that Bea's the same. Problem is - it's so difficult trying not to parent the way that I was parented. I was shouted at and smacked, (I don't smack) and treat with the same general disregard as the majority of the population! I fully intend NOT to be like that, however, when fire fighting old learned behaviours raise their ugly head; I don't listen and I make everything worse.

Naomi Aldort's suggestions have really helped me so I'm going to keep going with them. I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to accept that changing personality traits and learned behaviours is not easy - I might slip up every now and again and although that's not necessarily OK, I will always be doing my best.

As for the diet... Green and Blacks choc is on special at the Co-op, £1 a bar. Makes it even more appealing, however, things really really must change. I'm so bloody lethargic and I'm sure my inability to cope not only comes from having three children of three and under and a recently deceased mother, (!!!) but also the crap that I'm eating. Where's the self respect?

Annabelle's still not feeling too well. Her backside is red raw. Can't give her nappy free time as she just scratches constantly and no creams are working. One of the girls at the group this morning suggested using a terry square without a wrap so that the air can get to her but she can't scratch. I've got some baby legs so that should be OK.
We were invited to a party at a fire station this afternoon but I couldn't put her in the car for the time it would've taken to drive there as she's so unsettled! Hurray for tomorrow... another day, another start. Here's hoping she's feeling a bit better eh!