It's forever since I've written anything on here.
Life's not been easy over the last few weeks. I feel like Sylvie has been a hurricane and we've all felt the strength of her rage!!!! She's been very unsettled, aggressive, 'naughty', downright wierd, wired and just too much for me to cope with to be honest.
I think that her behaviour is a reaction to the death of my mother with whom she spent a considerable amount of time. I thought, stupidly, that Sylvie wouldn't understand that her nanna had gone, or that she'd not be affected by the loss therefore her feelings around the time of mum's death weren't respected. As a result, we've had five months of one and off manic behaviour - some gorgeous times too, but mainly just hard work. I think in part this is, not suprisingly, due to my lack of emotional energy and the overwhelming sense of loss I still live alongside on a daily basis.
Bea is just her usual self although since Annabelle's started to sit up, Bea's started to shout more, and louder for attention... she also enjoys pushing Annabelle over but Sylvie did that when Bea started sitting up so we kind of expected it! Bea is just like a ball of energy. She seems to panic if she doesn't have what she wants/needs within seconds and she ends up totally frustrated. She's wound herself into such a tiz that her nose has bled twice this week. It's a bit worrying and I'm hoping things will change as she does seem quite stressed a lot of the time!!!!
So, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since I last posted on here. When I realised I just couldn't cope with family life I decided to make changes that would help us all calm down
I stopped 'needing' to take the girls to play group/home ed group meetings and not to go to anyone else's house unless with my girls for a while as Sylvie clearly couldn't cope in those situations and didn't enjoy herself at all which meant I would be pushed to my limits and beyond causing a lot of unhappiness and stress.
So far, so good. Everyone seems to have calmed down a lot. I took the girls to 'Sticky Fingers', a local play group last Friday and they had a fab time. No one was pushed or hit, no shouting and screaming and throwing stuff around the room just happy children, playing with toys, interacting with each other. It was so good to see them as they 'used' to be instead of constantly being worried about what would happen next.
I've stopped putting the TV on during the day and implemented a bedtime 'routine' which I also think has made a huge difference. Things seem to be looking up.
We went camping last week and it was totally fantastic. On Tuesday Bea seemed a bit off colour - I thought it was because she'd not slept at all on Monday night, (she usually sleeps with me and Annabelle but due to the tiny camp bed, I was with Annabelle and she was in the other 'room' in the tent with Mark and Sylvie - she was not impressed and let us know that throughout the night), however, by 7pm Tuesday evening we had her in hospital with a temp of 40 degrees. Some Calpol, naked time, a fan and a cold cloth later and she was fine. Back to normal, demanding to paint and to drink milk... good old Bea.
We stayed three nights and Bea slept for none of them. On the last night she climbed up onto my camp bed and just slept by my feet - there was no room anywhere else. She still woke in the night screaming and shouting for me, but I least I was quick to comfort her.
Sylvie was amazing and had a fantastic time. She was climbing up rocks, walking up hills with Mark, having a great time with a group of 11/12 year olds who were camping as part of a school trip and just generally being a happy, outdoors loving little girl!!!! We've decided to take her to Durham Climbing Centre tomorrow morning to see how she feels about the climbing wall. I think she'll love it.
I've decided to start working on my NCT essays again - I need to finish the course so that I can start teaching and actually earn some cash! The first essay I'm tackling is about grief. Pretty frightening reading the books which describe how I'm feeling. It's all very raw and reading words which relate to my state of anxiety feels a bit like picking a scab but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I'm not on my own!!!
Annabelle is asleep on my knee. Sylvie is at the table having her dinner and Bea has fallen asleep on a big green play blanket that's kept behind the sofa. Mark's making my dinner and we're all a bit upside down since the camping trip however, I have high hopes for tomorrow and for next week.
I'm going to keep checking up on other people's blogs as they are so inspirational.
