Saturday, 31 July 2010
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Back Again
It's forever since I've written anything on here.
Life's not been easy over the last few weeks. I feel like Sylvie has been a hurricane and we've all felt the strength of her rage!!!! She's been very unsettled, aggressive, 'naughty', downright wierd, wired and just too much for me to cope with to be honest.
I think that her behaviour is a reaction to the death of my mother with whom she spent a considerable amount of time. I thought, stupidly, that Sylvie wouldn't understand that her nanna had gone, or that she'd not be affected by the loss therefore her feelings around the time of mum's death weren't respected. As a result, we've had five months of one and off manic behaviour - some gorgeous times too, but mainly just hard work. I think in part this is, not suprisingly, due to my lack of emotional energy and the overwhelming sense of loss I still live alongside on a daily basis.
Bea is just her usual self although since Annabelle's started to sit up, Bea's started to shout more, and louder for attention... she also enjoys pushing Annabelle over but Sylvie did that when Bea started sitting up so we kind of expected it! Bea is just like a ball of energy. She seems to panic if she doesn't have what she wants/needs within seconds and she ends up totally frustrated. She's wound herself into such a tiz that her nose has bled twice this week. It's a bit worrying and I'm hoping things will change as she does seem quite stressed a lot of the time!!!!
So, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since I last posted on here. When I realised I just couldn't cope with family life I decided to make changes that would help us all calm down
I stopped 'needing' to take the girls to play group/home ed group meetings and not to go to anyone else's house unless with my girls for a while as Sylvie clearly couldn't cope in those situations and didn't enjoy herself at all which meant I would be pushed to my limits and beyond causing a lot of unhappiness and stress.
So far, so good. Everyone seems to have calmed down a lot. I took the girls to 'Sticky Fingers', a local play group last Friday and they had a fab time. No one was pushed or hit, no shouting and screaming and throwing stuff around the room just happy children, playing with toys, interacting with each other. It was so good to see them as they 'used' to be instead of constantly being worried about what would happen next.
I've stopped putting the TV on during the day and implemented a bedtime 'routine' which I also think has made a huge difference. Things seem to be looking up.
We went camping last week and it was totally fantastic. On Tuesday Bea seemed a bit off colour - I thought it was because she'd not slept at all on Monday night, (she usually sleeps with me and Annabelle but due to the tiny camp bed, I was with Annabelle and she was in the other 'room' in the tent with Mark and Sylvie - she was not impressed and let us know that throughout the night), however, by 7pm Tuesday evening we had her in hospital with a temp of 40 degrees. Some Calpol, naked time, a fan and a cold cloth later and she was fine. Back to normal, demanding to paint and to drink milk... good old Bea.
We stayed three nights and Bea slept for none of them. On the last night she climbed up onto my camp bed and just slept by my feet - there was no room anywhere else. She still woke in the night screaming and shouting for me, but I least I was quick to comfort her.
Sylvie was amazing and had a fantastic time. She was climbing up rocks, walking up hills with Mark, having a great time with a group of 11/12 year olds who were camping as part of a school trip and just generally being a happy, outdoors loving little girl!!!! We've decided to take her to Durham Climbing Centre tomorrow morning to see how she feels about the climbing wall. I think she'll love it.
I've decided to start working on my NCT essays again - I need to finish the course so that I can start teaching and actually earn some cash! The first essay I'm tackling is about grief. Pretty frightening reading the books which describe how I'm feeling. It's all very raw and reading words which relate to my state of anxiety feels a bit like picking a scab but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I'm not on my own!!!
Annabelle is asleep on my knee. Sylvie is at the table having her dinner and Bea has fallen asleep on a big green play blanket that's kept behind the sofa. Mark's making my dinner and we're all a bit upside down since the camping trip however, I have high hopes for tomorrow and for next week.
I'm going to keep checking up on other people's blogs as they are so inspirational.
Life's not been easy over the last few weeks. I feel like Sylvie has been a hurricane and we've all felt the strength of her rage!!!! She's been very unsettled, aggressive, 'naughty', downright wierd, wired and just too much for me to cope with to be honest.
I think that her behaviour is a reaction to the death of my mother with whom she spent a considerable amount of time. I thought, stupidly, that Sylvie wouldn't understand that her nanna had gone, or that she'd not be affected by the loss therefore her feelings around the time of mum's death weren't respected. As a result, we've had five months of one and off manic behaviour - some gorgeous times too, but mainly just hard work. I think in part this is, not suprisingly, due to my lack of emotional energy and the overwhelming sense of loss I still live alongside on a daily basis.
Bea is just her usual self although since Annabelle's started to sit up, Bea's started to shout more, and louder for attention... she also enjoys pushing Annabelle over but Sylvie did that when Bea started sitting up so we kind of expected it! Bea is just like a ball of energy. She seems to panic if she doesn't have what she wants/needs within seconds and she ends up totally frustrated. She's wound herself into such a tiz that her nose has bled twice this week. It's a bit worrying and I'm hoping things will change as she does seem quite stressed a lot of the time!!!!
So, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster since I last posted on here. When I realised I just couldn't cope with family life I decided to make changes that would help us all calm down
I stopped 'needing' to take the girls to play group/home ed group meetings and not to go to anyone else's house unless with my girls for a while as Sylvie clearly couldn't cope in those situations and didn't enjoy herself at all which meant I would be pushed to my limits and beyond causing a lot of unhappiness and stress.
So far, so good. Everyone seems to have calmed down a lot. I took the girls to 'Sticky Fingers', a local play group last Friday and they had a fab time. No one was pushed or hit, no shouting and screaming and throwing stuff around the room just happy children, playing with toys, interacting with each other. It was so good to see them as they 'used' to be instead of constantly being worried about what would happen next.
I've stopped putting the TV on during the day and implemented a bedtime 'routine' which I also think has made a huge difference. Things seem to be looking up.
We went camping last week and it was totally fantastic. On Tuesday Bea seemed a bit off colour - I thought it was because she'd not slept at all on Monday night, (she usually sleeps with me and Annabelle but due to the tiny camp bed, I was with Annabelle and she was in the other 'room' in the tent with Mark and Sylvie - she was not impressed and let us know that throughout the night), however, by 7pm Tuesday evening we had her in hospital with a temp of 40 degrees. Some Calpol, naked time, a fan and a cold cloth later and she was fine. Back to normal, demanding to paint and to drink milk... good old Bea.
We stayed three nights and Bea slept for none of them. On the last night she climbed up onto my camp bed and just slept by my feet - there was no room anywhere else. She still woke in the night screaming and shouting for me, but I least I was quick to comfort her.
Sylvie was amazing and had a fantastic time. She was climbing up rocks, walking up hills with Mark, having a great time with a group of 11/12 year olds who were camping as part of a school trip and just generally being a happy, outdoors loving little girl!!!! We've decided to take her to Durham Climbing Centre tomorrow morning to see how she feels about the climbing wall. I think she'll love it.
I've decided to start working on my NCT essays again - I need to finish the course so that I can start teaching and actually earn some cash! The first essay I'm tackling is about grief. Pretty frightening reading the books which describe how I'm feeling. It's all very raw and reading words which relate to my state of anxiety feels a bit like picking a scab but at the same time, it's comforting to know that I'm not on my own!!!
Annabelle is asleep on my knee. Sylvie is at the table having her dinner and Bea has fallen asleep on a big green play blanket that's kept behind the sofa. Mark's making my dinner and we're all a bit upside down since the camping trip however, I have high hopes for tomorrow and for next week.
I'm going to keep checking up on other people's blogs as they are so inspirational.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Support and inspiration
We had our very own 'red thread' meeting last night.
I invited a group of friends round who co-sleep, breast feed, carry their babies etc. etc. and it was fab! Just in general conversation we discussed home education, breast feeding a five year old, not introducing solids until 15 months and 13 months, eating sprouts! carrying toddlers, night weaning, re - lactating after just feeding from one side, cross feeding and homeopathy for nappy rash!!!!!!
One friend brought her gorgeous little girl with her. She's 3 and was having problems falling asleep so she joined in with us.
It was such a good night. None of the conversations were 'out of the ordinary', they were just about the way we live.
Such a good outlet to be able to talk openly and honestly about life without seeing raised eye brows or without the usual, 'they'll have to learn to sleep on their own, you need your own space', 'are they enrolled at school yet'.
Calm amidst the storm that is our life at the moment.
I invited a group of friends round who co-sleep, breast feed, carry their babies etc. etc. and it was fab! Just in general conversation we discussed home education, breast feeding a five year old, not introducing solids until 15 months and 13 months, eating sprouts! carrying toddlers, night weaning, re - lactating after just feeding from one side, cross feeding and homeopathy for nappy rash!!!!!!
One friend brought her gorgeous little girl with her. She's 3 and was having problems falling asleep so she joined in with us.
It was such a good night. None of the conversations were 'out of the ordinary', they were just about the way we live.
Such a good outlet to be able to talk openly and honestly about life without seeing raised eye brows or without the usual, 'they'll have to learn to sleep on their own, you need your own space', 'are they enrolled at school yet'.
Calm amidst the storm that is our life at the moment.
Monday, 26 April 2010
A weary week
Well, this week has been a bit of a nightmare.
I have no idea what's up with Sylvie but she's driving me mad. I can feel my frontal lobe throbbing for most of the day!!!!!!!!!!!
She's all over the place - she's making really annoying noises, won't do anything she's asked, and is generally just unpleasant to be around. She's not like my Sylvie at all. I feel as though she's been replaced by some hormone driven teenager - even though she's only three and a half!
I've been reading Jan Hunt's The Natural Child along side Naomi Aldort - they both compliment each other perfectly. I can see how I'd like to react to Sylvie's bizarre behaviour and I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from, (though I'm not fully opening my eyes to where it's coming from because I'm worried that I don't know how to change our family dynamic - I only have one pair of hands after all... very hard), so that I can address the cause instead of losing my rag. I've been horrible all week which fuels this monster of frustration and annoyance that keeps growing and growing between us. I've been shouty, angry and really really tired. I'd managed to keep away from sugar and general crap food until yesterday when I thought, 'what the hell - where's the pleasure in life? Give me chocolate' but today I feel even MORE tired and tetchy!
I think a big part of the problem with Sylvie's behaviour at the moment is sleep... she doesn't have enough of it in her life. Bed time's not too good - if she's tired she's on the ceiling and it's so hard to help her down. She becomes more and more 'hyper', (awful word but helps to describe what's happening) and loses control of her faculties! I recognise this and do my best to have her in her bedroom before it happens but sometimes, events take over and bedtime is bloody awful. Nap times don't exist. With three kids under four all who need so much all of the time, I can't figure out how to make 'nap time' work - going out in the car doesn't even work for Sylvs. I can see how tired she is - red in the face and puffy eyed, but she just won't sleep.
I know shouting does not make anything better. In the case of Sylvie it makes things much worse. I felt like I just wanted to crawl into a hole on Tuesday and shouted far too much. As a result, when we went to home ed group on Wednesday Sylvie was shouting and roaring at all of the other children - achhhk... not good eh. Poor little thing.
So, all in all, I'm frustrated so much with Sylvie but don't have any outlet from her AT ALL so I can get my head 'round how to put things into perspective. This week has been a downward spiral of both attitude and behaviour and I feel like s@@@ite about the way I've been handling things. I've resorted back to how I was parented which is not what I want to do.
I think today and the coming week needs to be about gentle words and voices and lots of cuddles, but I can't let her hit and hurt her sister, or shout in Annabelle's face as loud as her lungs will allow because it's just not on. Hopefully things will settle down.
Other than battling, we've been doing lots of growing!!!
Purple broccoli
lettuce
radish
potato
rocket
marigolds
raspberries
blackcurrants
apples
pears
nasturtiums
and hopefully some of next door's rhubarb!!!
All edible and in every available spot in the garden.
I have no idea what's up with Sylvie but she's driving me mad. I can feel my frontal lobe throbbing for most of the day!!!!!!!!!!!
She's all over the place - she's making really annoying noises, won't do anything she's asked, and is generally just unpleasant to be around. She's not like my Sylvie at all. I feel as though she's been replaced by some hormone driven teenager - even though she's only three and a half!
I've been reading Jan Hunt's The Natural Child along side Naomi Aldort - they both compliment each other perfectly. I can see how I'd like to react to Sylvie's bizarre behaviour and I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from, (though I'm not fully opening my eyes to where it's coming from because I'm worried that I don't know how to change our family dynamic - I only have one pair of hands after all... very hard), so that I can address the cause instead of losing my rag. I've been horrible all week which fuels this monster of frustration and annoyance that keeps growing and growing between us. I've been shouty, angry and really really tired. I'd managed to keep away from sugar and general crap food until yesterday when I thought, 'what the hell - where's the pleasure in life? Give me chocolate' but today I feel even MORE tired and tetchy!
I think a big part of the problem with Sylvie's behaviour at the moment is sleep... she doesn't have enough of it in her life. Bed time's not too good - if she's tired she's on the ceiling and it's so hard to help her down. She becomes more and more 'hyper', (awful word but helps to describe what's happening) and loses control of her faculties! I recognise this and do my best to have her in her bedroom before it happens but sometimes, events take over and bedtime is bloody awful. Nap times don't exist. With three kids under four all who need so much all of the time, I can't figure out how to make 'nap time' work - going out in the car doesn't even work for Sylvs. I can see how tired she is - red in the face and puffy eyed, but she just won't sleep.
I know shouting does not make anything better. In the case of Sylvie it makes things much worse. I felt like I just wanted to crawl into a hole on Tuesday and shouted far too much. As a result, when we went to home ed group on Wednesday Sylvie was shouting and roaring at all of the other children - achhhk... not good eh. Poor little thing.
So, all in all, I'm frustrated so much with Sylvie but don't have any outlet from her AT ALL so I can get my head 'round how to put things into perspective. This week has been a downward spiral of both attitude and behaviour and I feel like s@@@ite about the way I've been handling things. I've resorted back to how I was parented which is not what I want to do.
I think today and the coming week needs to be about gentle words and voices and lots of cuddles, but I can't let her hit and hurt her sister, or shout in Annabelle's face as loud as her lungs will allow because it's just not on. Hopefully things will settle down.
Other than battling, we've been doing lots of growing!!!
Purple broccoli
lettuce
radish
potato
rocket
marigolds
raspberries
blackcurrants
apples
pears
nasturtiums
and hopefully some of next door's rhubarb!!!
All edible and in every available spot in the garden.
Two girls having lots of fun in the garden. Splish, splash, splosh. Bea likes nothing better than to be filthy and soaking with a handful of sticks!
Oooops.
I love this photo of Sylvie and Bea even though it's out of focus and unbalanced...
This is quite possibly the last time Beatrice was in the bath, (beginning of Feb). She's terrified of it - screams with the voice of ten people when ever having a bath's mentioned. Needless to say, she's a bit rank, but I'm sure she'll move on from her phobia soon enough, (either that or environmental health will come knocking....).
We've just pottered around the garden and in the house today. I have the great idea of taking the paints into the garden this morning. What a nightmare. The girls had a great time but the clean up operation is huge. The back of the house is now pink, yellow and blue, as it the patio area. Better than grey and brown I suppose... nevermind, I'm sure the rain will wash it off for us!
Time has flown by.
We've got beans soaking for our five bean chili tomorrow night and we've got some more beans soaking ready to sprout for salads and snacks. We made some spelt bread buns this morning which worked out really well and we were going to make a cake for Mark to take to work tomorrow - something's going on, can't remember what, but I've decided against that. If I'm not eating any more crap then I'm not baking it for other people - too close to temptation when it's such early days!
I'm very tired. I've found today good, but hard. Mark's in from work now and he's downstairs with the girls. It sounds like chaos.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Clear Out
I've Freecycled all of mum's clothes and some one's coming to collect them at 6pm.
I feel really panicked by the situation and want to hoard everything but there's just not the space! I've kept everything I can wear but she was 30 years older than me and I'm not ready to wear my pension gear just yet!!!
I hope the woman who comes to collect them is nice. I hate to think of mum's stuff being discarded. Charity shops were not an option. Mum was as big as me and I didn't want anyone holding up a pair of big trousers and laughing at them! It seems more sensible to advertise of Freecycle for some one of an equal size to come and collect them.
Got a lump in my throat and that chest rope is tightening but hopefully it will pass once the clothes have been collected.
Sylvie's wet herself six times today so far. Not sure what's going on there but she's obviously unhappy about some thing!!!!!!!!!!!! I some times think our washing much cause a surge on the National Grid. Thank goodness we've got a long washing line and that the sun's shining.
Friday, 23 April 2010
Slow
We've had a slow, ordinary kind of day today.
Yesterday was fab and physically quite tiring. We went to Gibside with my dad. We left the house intending to go to Chopwell Woods, however, we took a wrong turn and couldn't right ourselves so, Gibside it was.
Sylvie and Bea loved it and I loved watching them have such a good time! Wide open spaces, grass, flowers, hills, woods, what else could two little girlies need? Annabelle slept most of the time. She was just hanging around in the sling being a gorgeous little baby! All good.
Today we again tried to find Chopwell Woods and although we succeeded, Bea just couldn't be bothered to walk very far. Poor Annabelle still isn't right either. I've been washing her bum with chamomile tea and lavender oil and have put some anti septic on her belly button and under her neck but really, she's in a right state. Babies are not clean little bundles of hygene are they!!!! Sick, generally scuzzy skin issues and lots of snot make up quite a bit of babyhood in our house. Ooooo, but so fantastic all the same. I love my little girls, no matter how foisty they have the potential to become...
I showered with Annabelle this morning to try and soothe her sore patches but really I've probably just made them dry out any more. She's scratching like a tom cat when ever her nappy comes off. I'm sure things will be fine. Since using the chamomile tea and lavender she doesn't look quite so red.
The Tyne and Wear home ed group were planning to meet at Cullercoats Beach this morning but it's too far for us to go at the minute with an unhappy, uncomfy baby. Once her bum's sorted I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual!
I want to find some where beautiful, wide open, away from all traffic and totally natural yet accessible! Durham is a fantastic city but where we live is miles away from my ideal of childhood freedom. The country side/accessible wild land is always a drive away.
Oooo, here comes Bea, crying for me. Mark's downstairs with the girls but it must have gone a bit wrong.
Over and out.
Yesterday was fab and physically quite tiring. We went to Gibside with my dad. We left the house intending to go to Chopwell Woods, however, we took a wrong turn and couldn't right ourselves so, Gibside it was.
Sylvie and Bea loved it and I loved watching them have such a good time! Wide open spaces, grass, flowers, hills, woods, what else could two little girlies need? Annabelle slept most of the time. She was just hanging around in the sling being a gorgeous little baby! All good.
Today we again tried to find Chopwell Woods and although we succeeded, Bea just couldn't be bothered to walk very far. Poor Annabelle still isn't right either. I've been washing her bum with chamomile tea and lavender oil and have put some anti septic on her belly button and under her neck but really, she's in a right state. Babies are not clean little bundles of hygene are they!!!! Sick, generally scuzzy skin issues and lots of snot make up quite a bit of babyhood in our house. Ooooo, but so fantastic all the same. I love my little girls, no matter how foisty they have the potential to become...
I showered with Annabelle this morning to try and soothe her sore patches but really I've probably just made them dry out any more. She's scratching like a tom cat when ever her nappy comes off. I'm sure things will be fine. Since using the chamomile tea and lavender she doesn't look quite so red.
The Tyne and Wear home ed group were planning to meet at Cullercoats Beach this morning but it's too far for us to go at the minute with an unhappy, uncomfy baby. Once her bum's sorted I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual!
I want to find some where beautiful, wide open, away from all traffic and totally natural yet accessible! Durham is a fantastic city but where we live is miles away from my ideal of childhood freedom. The country side/accessible wild land is always a drive away.
Oooo, here comes Bea, crying for me. Mark's downstairs with the girls but it must have gone a bit wrong.
Over and out.
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