A weary week

Well, this week has been a bit of a nightmare.
I have no idea what's up with Sylvie but she's driving me mad. I can feel my frontal lobe throbbing for most of the day!!!!!!!!!!!
She's all over the place - she's making really annoying noises, won't do anything she's asked, and is generally just unpleasant to be around. She's not like my Sylvie at all. I feel as though she's been replaced by some hormone driven teenager - even though she's only three and a half!

I've been reading Jan Hunt's The Natural Child along side Naomi Aldort - they both compliment each other perfectly. I can see how I'd like to react to Sylvie's bizarre behaviour and I'm trying to figure out where it's coming from, (though I'm not fully opening my eyes to where it's coming from because I'm worried that I don't know how to change our family dynamic - I only have one pair of hands after all... very hard), so that I can address the cause instead of losing my rag. I've been horrible all week which fuels this monster of frustration and annoyance that keeps growing and growing between us. I've been shouty, angry and really really tired. I'd managed to keep away from sugar and general crap food until yesterday when I thought, 'what the hell - where's the pleasure in life? Give me chocolate' but today I feel even MORE tired and tetchy!

I think a big part of the problem with Sylvie's behaviour at the moment is sleep... she doesn't have enough of it in her life. Bed time's not too good - if she's tired she's on the ceiling and it's so hard to help her down. She becomes more and more 'hyper', (awful word but helps to describe what's happening) and loses control of her faculties! I recognise this and do my best to have her in her bedroom before it happens but sometimes, events take over and bedtime is bloody awful. Nap times don't exist. With three kids under four all who need so much all of the time, I can't figure out how to make 'nap time' work - going out in the car doesn't even work for Sylvs. I can see how tired she is - red in the face and puffy eyed, but she just won't sleep.

I know shouting does not make anything better. In the case of Sylvie it makes things much worse. I felt like I just wanted to crawl into a hole on Tuesday and shouted far too much. As a result, when we went to home ed group on Wednesday Sylvie was shouting and roaring at all of the other children - achhhk... not good eh. Poor little thing.

So, all in all, I'm frustrated so much with Sylvie but don't have any outlet from her AT ALL so I can get my head 'round how to put things into perspective. This week has been a downward spiral of both attitude and behaviour and I feel like s@@@ite about the way I've been handling things. I've resorted back to how I was parented which is not what I want to do.
I think today and the coming week needs to be about gentle words and voices and lots of cuddles, but I can't let her hit and hurt her sister, or shout in Annabelle's face as loud as her lungs will allow because it's just not on. Hopefully things will settle down.

Other than battling, we've been doing lots of growing!!!

Purple broccoli
lettuce
radish
potato
rocket
marigolds
raspberries
blackcurrants
apples
pears
nasturtiums
and hopefully some of next door's rhubarb!!!

All edible and in every available spot in the garden.

Two girls having lots of fun in the garden. Splish, splash, splosh. Bea likes nothing better than to be filthy and soaking with a handful of sticks!



Oooops.



I love this photo of Sylvie and Bea even though it's out of focus and unbalanced...



This is quite possibly the last time Beatrice was in the bath, (beginning of Feb). She's terrified of it - screams with the voice of ten people when ever having a bath's mentioned. Needless to say, she's a bit rank, but I'm sure she'll move on from her phobia soon enough, (either that or environmental health will come knocking....).

We've just pottered around the garden and in the house today. I have the great idea of taking the paints into the garden this morning. What a nightmare. The girls had a great time but the clean up operation is huge. The back of the house is now pink, yellow and blue, as it the patio area. Better than grey and brown I suppose... nevermind, I'm sure the rain will wash it off for us!

Time has flown by.
We've got beans soaking for our five bean chili tomorrow night and we've got some more beans soaking ready to sprout for salads and snacks. We made some spelt bread buns this morning which worked out really well and we were going to make a cake for Mark to take to work tomorrow - something's going on, can't remember what, but I've decided against that. If I'm not eating any more crap then I'm not baking it for other people - too close to temptation when it's such early days!

I'm very tired. I've found today good, but hard. Mark's in from work now and he's downstairs with the girls. It sounds like chaos.

Clear Out

I've Freecycled all of mum's clothes and some one's coming to collect them at 6pm.
I feel really panicked by the situation and want to hoard everything but there's just not the space! I've kept everything I can wear but she was 30 years older than me and I'm not ready to wear my pension gear just yet!!!

I hope the woman who comes to collect them is nice. I hate to think of mum's stuff being discarded. Charity shops were not an option. Mum was as big as me and I didn't want anyone holding up a pair of big trousers and laughing at them! It seems more sensible to advertise of Freecycle for some one of an equal size to come and collect them.

Got a lump in my throat and that chest rope is tightening but hopefully it will pass once the clothes have been collected.

Sylvie's wet herself six times today so far. Not sure what's going on there but she's obviously unhappy about some thing!!!!!!!!!!!! I some times think our washing much cause a surge on the National Grid. Thank goodness we've got a long washing line and that the sun's shining.

Slow

We've had a slow, ordinary kind of day today.
Yesterday was fab and physically quite tiring. We went to Gibside with my dad. We left the house intending to go to Chopwell Woods, however, we took a wrong turn and couldn't right ourselves so, Gibside it was.
Sylvie and Bea loved it and I loved watching them have such a good time! Wide open spaces, grass, flowers, hills, woods, what else could two little girlies need? Annabelle slept most of the time. She was just hanging around in the sling being a gorgeous little baby! All good.

Today we again tried to find Chopwell Woods and although we succeeded, Bea just couldn't be bothered to walk very far. Poor Annabelle still isn't right either. I've been washing her bum with chamomile tea and lavender oil and have put some anti septic on her belly button and under her neck but really, she's in a right state. Babies are not clean little bundles of hygene are they!!!! Sick, generally scuzzy skin issues and lots of snot make up quite a bit of babyhood in our house. Ooooo, but so fantastic all the same. I love my little girls, no matter how foisty they have the potential to become...

I showered with Annabelle this morning to try and soothe her sore patches but really I've probably just made them dry out any more. She's scratching like a tom cat when ever her nappy comes off. I'm sure things will be fine. Since using the chamomile tea and lavender she doesn't look quite so red.

The Tyne and Wear home ed group were planning to meet at Cullercoats Beach this morning but it's too far for us to go at the minute with an unhappy, uncomfy baby. Once her bum's sorted I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual!

I want to find some where beautiful, wide open, away from all traffic and totally natural yet accessible! Durham is a fantastic city but where we live is miles away from my ideal of childhood freedom. The country side/accessible wild land is always a drive away.

Oooo, here comes Bea, crying for me. Mark's downstairs with the girls but it must have gone a bit wrong.

Over and out.

Truth

Took the girls out to our local home ed meet up this morning. It's only on once a fortnight and we've always been crap at making in there but made an effort this morning and I'm so glad we did.

I often dread going anywhere like a play group due to the aggression Bea shows towards other children. She'd sooner push them over and jump on them as say hello! She was only 2 in December so I have no doubt that what she's displaying isn't malicious at all but it's still quite controversial!

The first 'fight' started five minutes after walking into the hall this morning. I think it was over a sheet of paper. The second fight happened two minutes later whilst I had Annabelle balanced on a changing mat on top of a book case - not ideal as intervention was necessary.

I said to one of the mums, 'do you ever think there's some thing wrong with your children' and I honestly meant it. I felt tearful, stressed out and helpless. My lovely friend answered, 'yes, but then their behaviour changes and I realise they are fine' which made me feel a bit better.

As the morning progressed there were more altercations between Bea and the other little girl. Her mum and I started chatting and it turns out we have the same concerns about our feisty, spirited children! It was such a relief to have a conversation about how challenging we find going out and mixing with other people's kids. We chatted about how we deal with the aggressive outbursts, how we'd like to deal with them and how it all makes us feel... and no, we don't believe that our children's cat fights are a cry for more attention!

I know that if I show Bea that I'm stressed things just get worse. She responds so much better to a calm, controlled attitude. Sylvie went through an awful phase after my mum died. She was clearly grieving for the loss of her nana and could only articulate her feelings through very disruptive behaviour. I had no self control and shouted a lot which made things so much worse. Poor little thing must have felt so lost. Sylvie calmed down a heck of a lot as soon as I did and I do think that Bea's the same. Problem is - it's so difficult trying not to parent the way that I was parented. I was shouted at and smacked, (I don't smack) and treat with the same general disregard as the majority of the population! I fully intend NOT to be like that, however, when fire fighting old learned behaviours raise their ugly head; I don't listen and I make everything worse.

Naomi Aldort's suggestions have really helped me so I'm going to keep going with them. I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to accept that changing personality traits and learned behaviours is not easy - I might slip up every now and again and although that's not necessarily OK, I will always be doing my best.

As for the diet... Green and Blacks choc is on special at the Co-op, £1 a bar. Makes it even more appealing, however, things really really must change. I'm so bloody lethargic and I'm sure my inability to cope not only comes from having three children of three and under and a recently deceased mother, (!!!) but also the crap that I'm eating. Where's the self respect?

Annabelle's still not feeling too well. Her backside is red raw. Can't give her nappy free time as she just scratches constantly and no creams are working. One of the girls at the group this morning suggested using a terry square without a wrap so that the air can get to her but she can't scratch. I've got some baby legs so that should be OK.
We were invited to a party at a fire station this afternoon but I couldn't put her in the car for the time it would've taken to drive there as she's so unsettled! Hurray for tomorrow... another day, another start. Here's hoping she's feeling a bit better eh!

Busy day

We've had a smashing day today, which suprises me as Sylvie and I were both really tired this morning. She didn't go to bed until late last night and was up at 7. Bea, on the other hand, was in bed at 6.30 last night so she was bright and breezy when she popped her eyes open at 6.30 this morning!

Annabelle has slept in the sling most of today, as usual, though I am a bit worried about her as her bum is bright red and looks so sore. I'm using some Weleda Calendula cream to help soothe her. I've been considering ECing, but I don't think it's for us. Some mornings I'm so overwhelmed by mothering three small children that I think adding another thing to the scales would send me flying off into space, never to return!

My mission for this week, (and hopefully for the future) is not to shout at the girls. I hate doing it, they hate me doing it and it makes no sense to do it as it's totally counter productive. I flare up so easily - paticularly when living on such a small amount of sleep.

Naomi Aldort has been my constant companion for the last few days. I managed to read a couple of chapters of 'Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves', and I'm trying to put her SALVE method of staying calm and sensible to good use. So far so good - most of the time. Other methods of dealing with stuff that annoys me challenge my personality too much however, I think what Naomi suggests is effective and easily accessible.

Anyway, back to today.

By about 10am I thought that the day was never going to end so I chucked the little ones in the car and we headed to the Botanic Gardens for some fresh air and a good run around. We had a fab time until Bea filled her nappy and Sylvie decided that she needed the loo... not the kind of toilet stop that could be done behind a bush! We headed back to the toilet then decided that we might as well leave as we were right next to the exit, (we'd been there a couple of hours anyway).
I called at the garden centre to buy a couple of lupins on the way home. I've got some seeds doing their thing on the utility room windowsil but I don't think they'll make much progress in the garden this year so I've bought some decent sized plants.

Bea and Annabelle were asleep in the car so I decided to take the girls to Finachle Abbey which is just down the road from us. It's a National Trust place that I remember from my childhood.
It was really nice - we had a good walk along the river side, Sylvie and Bea played in the sand and thoroughly enjoyed being in nature. A very satisfying afternoon for all of us....

The girls throwing sticks into a waterfall at the Botanic Gardens



Sylvie admiring the flowers. Note the 'hood hair'. Miraculous tats form when she wears her hood. It only takes seconds for them to form but a bath and loads of conditioner to get them out again!!



The longest bridge...



Sylvie thought this leaf was like a beautiful rainbow



Bea looking for fairies...



Bea decided that this hill made an excellent slide... Sylvie soon joined in.





And Annabelle just hung around being a delicious 17 wk old baby



A rare shot of the girls sitting together



The Abbey