Annabelle having a snooze...



A wet and wild 'sling meet' at Durham's Botanic Gardens





A visit to South Shields park where Sylvie made a lot of sand shapes!



A trip to the Botanic Gardens with Grandad so he could photograph the daffodils in their full glory.

Is it really only 9am?? How’s that happened?

I tried to read a magazine while Annabelle fed through the night last night, however, I was so tired and full of sleep that my eyes wouldn’t focus! Ha! Never mind eh. I know this intense time of sheer exhaustion won’t last forever, (fingers crossed!).
We’ve got our very own ‘red thread’ meeting at the beginning of May which I’m hoping will give me some inspiration and a bit of a boost – I think we all need it at the moment.

The last couple of days have been, er, trying. Dad said he’d like to go to the Botanic Gardens yesterday to photograph the daffodils while they’re still in bloom. He was meant to be here by 9.30am, however, he rang at 9.35 to say that he’d just got out of bed!!! What?? I was a tad peeved as the girls were ready and looking forward to a day out with granddad and I also felt really upset. That’s not the kind of thing mum would do! I miss her so so much at the minute. I feel a constant well of sadness which just intensifies when ever I go near my dad or speak to him on the phone. He sounds so old and he doesn’t see anyone from one day to the next. I’ve tried to encourage him to apply for a house near us in Durham but he’ll not have any of it. Mam hated living in Burnhope. It’s a total shit hole; no redeeming qualities what so ever, there’s not even decent public transport to get you out of there and although she pushed dad to move he would never agree and it looks like now he’s there on his own he’s still not going to make any effort to get out. I can understand why I suppose. He’s got a big garden and a shed which is where he used to spend most of his day, and being a Council tenant, who knows what he’ll end up living next to. His neighbours aren’t exactly friendly but at least there’s no noise and he’s comfortable.

I think part of why I’m feeling so down, apart from the obvious, is that it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I’m dreading it. First one of many without my mother. She always made such an effort and now she’s not there even to speak to. All the love she had to give, totally vanished. My poor girls are missing out on so much. I know if affected Sylvie. Her behaviour was dire for a couple of weeks after mam died. She’s settled down a lot now but she’s not the same, (then again, she’s older, and she’s lost her little bear, Ning Ning who she really did love and used as a bit of a crutch, oh, and Annabelle appeared!). I think the biggest hole left behind when someone dies is the love that just goes. Your mother – some one who loves you unconditionally and without question no longer exists on any physical level. It’s a very lonely and frightening feeling.

Anyway – yesterday was hard because I think Sylvie was tired. Oh yes, tired children, what joy eh? The Botanic Garden idea was blown out of the water by dad being crap so we accepted an invite to go to a play group with a friend. We’d never been before and we’ll never be going again. It was £4 to go in, (!!!!!!!!!! that’s a quarter of my weekly budget), and no sooner did we enter than Sylvie started to scream. She now has the tantrums I’ve seen other kids have and thought, ‘thank god that’s not one of mine’…. Those thoughts are now biting me on the backside – the child screaming ‘is’ mine. Bea was waltzing ‘round pushing all the little kids, as she does, and I was bright red and totally stressed!
We left quite quickly and came home to peace and quiet until our friend Rebecca came to visit. Again, Sylvie seemed upset and unsettled so the entire day was quite tense.
We went out for a walk before bed so everyone could wind down a bit and it seemed to do the trick.

I knew as soon as we got in the car yesterday morning that the play group wasn’t a good idea. I was upset and agitated and I’d bathed Bea!!!! She HATES going in the bath and screams with the voice of ten people… it’s horrendous. I couldn’t stand looking at her hair caked in food and muck any longer yesterday though and stuck her in after Sylvie. I felt so guilty! I managed to wash her hair then did her the injustice of cleaning her teeth…. I wonder what the neighbours think? She’s really difficult to do anything with. All things physical are a total battle. Nappy changing is such a pain because she really does hate it. I worry that I’m causing some lasting damage to be honest. I should have followed my instinct and gone to the Botanic Gardens anyway. The sun was shining and it was gloriously warm so what did we do, we went into a church hall full of plastic tat and had a scream. Great.

The day before was dire too but I can’t remember why now. It’s all blending into one!

I’m a lot more tired than usual. I’ve made loads of green juice this morning which I’m loving. There’s a jug of it in the fridge to drink throughout the day. I tried to give Sylvie some but she looked at me like I was mad so I made her pineapple, apple and pear instead…. So far today that’s all she’s had. She’s holding out for ice cream at the sea side. Sadly, after yesterday’s fiasco I don’t think I’ve got enough money left to buy her one – how awful is that!!!
I will be healthy today. I can’t cope with a lack of sleep, three very young and rightfully demanding, intense children AND the constant come downs from eating crap. It’s just not good. I must remember the words of my mother, ‘lose weight Fay and look after your bowels’. So hard when all I want to do is eat carbs due to lack of sleep, however, things must change, they really must.
I’ve had toast with butter and honey, (not too much though) and Camomile tea for breakfast along with a glass of green juice. I’ve got a blanket of tiredness slowly creeping it’s way down from my eyebrows but hopefully the fresh air at the Coast should help sort that out.

We’re going to South Shields Park to meet the under 7s Tyne and Wear Home Ed Group and I’m really looking forward to it. I used to work at Shields, South Tyneside Council and hated every minute of it so here’s hoping I don’t meet anyone from the office! Doubt they’ll recognise me though to be honest…



Me with Annabelle in the sling in our kitchen which we'll soon be decorating!

I’m so tired this morning that I can hardly move. Three children, however, do not allow one to wallow in their own self pity about how little sleep they’ve had.
Annabelle has been really unsettled on a night lately and I’m not sure why. She was fab for a few weeks, she only woke once for a good old gut filling feed, (I know, amazing eh!) but now she’s feeding three times during the night and wriggling about lots, (oh, and believe me, I know that for a breast fed baby 3 feeds during the night is nothing. Bea was still waking 6 or 7 times when she was 9 months old. Crikey, she was/still is soooo intense!).
It is, of course, her birth rite as a 15 week old baby to wake as frequently as she wants to during the night. She’s free of the constraints of conscience and has a heck of a lot of growing to do… I just wish that when feeling this tired, (which, to be honest, is rare, I normally still function on an OK level) that I could be civil to people instead of being a right old troll.
I don’t even think I said goodbye to Mark this morning. Mind you, he annoyed me last night. He went to the pub with his pal and got back at 10.15 instead of the promised 9.45. I know, half an hour – however, I was totally knackered. Bea and Annabelle were still wide awake though I knew Bea was tired and I was having visions of today being a nightmare with a tired, aggressive, bad tempered toddler in tow. She’s been fine though ‘cause she didn’t drag her lazy arse out of bed ‘til 8am! Hurrahhhh.

The shopping has just been delivered. Everything looks fab – lots and lots of green food. I’m having a cup of Chamomile tea and typing this. Annabelle’s asleep in the sling and my other two witchlings are playing. Ahhhhh… I may be on the verge of nervous exhaustion, but hey, life is sweet!

Not sure if I want to use my gorgeous veg in a green juice. What if we don't like it - total waste.... hum. We shall see.
Oh, and stupidly I bought some green and Blacks white chocolate. I should've given it back to the delivery man but I didn't. So want today to be the start of something new therefore it may go to the neighbours. I can NOT have stuff like that in the house and not eat it. It's obsession, greed, necessity - everything rolled into one. I know that between my will and the chocolate, the chocolate will win. Not even a few chapters of Louise Hay's will sort out the choccie over ride button therefore it shall be evacuated - safe from reach.... while I'm still feeling strong eh!

Good day had by all...

Yesterday was a nice day, though we got off to a tricky start!
Packed the kids in the car, dad ready to follow us to the in laws... I put the key in the ignition of the Citroen and nothing happened, total black out.
Called the AA and luckily the lack of anything going on was due to a loose conection. Phew - no costs incurred thank goodness.
The thought of having to spend what little money we have on the car makes me feel kind of ill! I grew up with parents who literally had no money, but a dad who was competent at fixing anything and everything therefore the thought of paying anyone to do anything that I think dad could fix leaves and uneasy queasy feeling! Mark, on the other hand, grew up with parents who pay for everything therefore he seems to think that the handy man on the block is an inevitable part of life.

Yesterday was full of food, basically. We thought we weren't gonna be able to go to Mark's parent's house, 'cause of the car, so the girls were fed and watered by the time Mr AA gave us the OK. We, however, were not, and we enjoyed a feast prepared by Mark's mum.
She'd also bought the girls, (and Mark) Easter eggs, which is a sticky point for me.

This year they've had Easter eggs - lots and lots of chocolate. As Easter is a time for change, a time for renewal and refreshment I'm using it as the starting point of our new, healthier lives, therefore, no more choccie! My children have no choice about what they eat. They're not old enough to make conscious decissions about what they do and don't put in their mouths therefore the ultimate responsibility lies with Mark and I to ensure we give them the best start in life. The best start does not mean eating sugar, a vile refined food, cocoa and caffine... I had got a bit excited about the prospect of using Aguave nectar until I read the Natural Life Magazine blog and Veronika's post on the Mother blogspot. It's just fructose syrup - possible more closely linked to obesity than sugar and deffinatley as bad for you as sugar so what's the point in that. As for artificial sweetners - the real thing's not good for you so how the hell can an artificial variation of the refined stuff be anything other than just wrong????

Anyway, I did an on-line shop. I like the idea of using a co-operative of organic growers for our fruit and veg, however, I don't know the contact details for the one closest to us, (Abundant Earth) so I used Tesco on line... Abundant Earth is open on a Saturday so we'll pop along next weekend and see what the prices are like.
I have plans for growing our veg in the garden, however, I'm taking one step at a time. I know that if I rush in and try to do everything at once without thought and planning, then nothing will work... I've always been too hasty - putting the breaks on is a point of self development!

I've bought good, healthy whole foods, organic where possible, (though yes, I know, coming from a Supermarket they're all wrapped in plastic), and I've asked my dad to bring the juicer down from his house. Mum bought it, used it about five times then asked him to stick it in the loft. I've checked out some green juice recipes so we're going to be juicing and eating good quality, healthy, home cooked food. Nothing refined or artificial, (you never know, we might actually manage to make our own butter one day!).

I feel as though I'm reinventing our family wheel when it comes to what we eat and what we'll grow in the garden. I really am starting from scratch. I have been uber healthy in my time and very very physically fit, (my pulse rate was so low that it was questioned by a consultant at the local hospital. I don't understand why they made a fuss considering the amount of exercise I used to enjoy), however, I wasn't necessarily eating food that was nourishing me properly. I used a lot of artificial sweetners and meat.

I want my children to grow up taking healthy, wholefoods for granted. They will just 'know' what's good to eat and won't have to think, plan and implement the way that I'm doing now. They'll have grown up home educated therefore with hands on experience of growing fruit and veg in the garden. They won't be checking out library books and meticulously planning to ensure that crops won't be wasted or planted at the wrong time - it will be in their cells... they will simply know what to do.

It's so important to me, as a mother, that my children know how to survive, and how to do it well. We don't know what the future will hold but with the prospect of peak oil and the cost of living rising and rising and the materialism of the every day over riding anything to do with the self, it's vital that they know who they are, what the are and how to live lightly, fairly and well. There's so much in the world to discover. They can't do that if their lives are filled with TV, video games and shallow needs. They're worth more than that, so much more.

Mark's having a shower and Annabelle's in her little chair listening to the water. Sylvie and Bea are playing downstairs and all is well.
I'm going to sign out now and spend time with my children. Perhaps we will paint! It's chucking down outside so I think we'll go out after lunch. Water proofs ahoy! They've had a lot of use this year... all good.

My Mother

I feel like I have lost my deepest anchor, the person who in so many ways defined and steadied me. I wasn't prepared, I thought I was my own woman, that I was so different to her in my values and outlook, that her death would be painful but wouldn't challenge my existence. How wrong I was. How could I have been prepared? Now every scrap of her is precious; her photos, the things she kept in the drawer, her dressing gown that still has hankys in the pocket, birthday cards she kept that I'd sent her. All of these things feel like the only opportunity I now have to value her, to take my time and luxuriate in her in the way I wish I had when she was here, knowing as I do that as time goes on these small objects will become the all important triggers of her memory and so will become her, what she is now.

Now she's gone I realise that my mother taught me everything I know, not the fancy stuff, not my education or how to read a map - no, she taught me the important stuff - how to get tea on the table within thirty minutes of getting through the door, put a wash on, empty the bins and iron a shirt all at the same time. Most importantly she taught me how to love well. How to look after someone who's poorly, or take them a hot water bottle to make them feel cosy, or lay them a little tray with a boiled egg and a flower on, or to tuck them up in bed and kiss their forehead. She knew me better than anyone else is likely ever to know me, deeply, scarily, uncritically, I suppose unrealistically. And now there is no one to tell mine and the children's little triumphs to, knowing that she would be invariably chuffed and proud.

Welly tastic

Wow, what a kick start we had this morning - in more ways than one!
Bea woke with a jolt at about 5.30am and started wailing for her wellies, clouting me over the head and thrashing her legs about! I told her to go downstairs and put her wellies on, which she tried to do, however, they were locked in the porch. This lead to screams the Exorcist would envy, and also woke up Mark, (that takes a lot).

Once she'd managed to stick her wellies on on top of her fluffy sleep suit she was happy.
She climbed back into bed with me, snotty, dribbly and a bit sweaty from all of the crying and proceeded to stick her freezing cold wellies in my back.

One happy, welly clad girl, snuggly in bed without a care in the world.

She's now downstairs having her second breakfast - egg and toast, wearing her wellies and looking mighty dapper...

Spring Joy

The last week has flown over and it's been great. The girls have played together none stop, apart from the occasional break for a fight that is!!! We've stayed close to home, kept things simple and slow and we all seem to be feeling the benefit.
I'm less stressed than I usually am and we have three happy, healthy looking, vibrant children.
We did the usual trip to Tiddlywinks on Wednesday morning then Angela, Emma and Jess came to visit throughout Thursday but other than that, nothing - just entertained each other. The car was only used on Wednesday; considering it now costs £60 to fill up the tank I think it will be left standing on the drive a lot more often!

I have such ideals about how I want to be with my children. I do feel frustrated that I can't be the 'ideal' mother all of the time, (or at all on some days!!!) but at least I try. I'm working on being more patient and on being present with my children, instead of thinking of and doing other things when they need me. The time they are small passes so quickly - they deserve time, energy and respect.

My mission for this week - apart from being present with the children, is to make time for a story. Story time means quiet time, wind down time, focusing on doing nothing but listening and imagining... So far so good. There's no way I can persuade the two oldest girls to nap after lunch so settling down for a story in our quiet corner is a good alternative. Sylvie gets more and more wound up the more tired she gets so I really need to focus on keeping her calm so that when she's ready for bed she can actually sleep, instead of having to be scraped off the ceiling! I feel that the realisation that sometimes when she drives me crazy it's because she's too tired to cope has kind of unwound itself over the last couple of weeks. She becomes totally irrational, (now that's saying some thing for a three year old) and literally can not sit still even for a moment. She makes lots of loud, bizarre noises and basically goes a bit wild.
I'm looking out for the signals throughout the day and making sure she has enough rest and that she's in bed at a reasonable time, knowing that she wakes really early.

Spring is such a beautiful time. The sunshine and the longer days have given me a real boost. At first I was dreading the changing of the seasons as I felt moving from winter to spring would take me further away from mum, however, now that Spring's here I feel OK. I still have a rope tied tightly around my chest - occasionally it's pulled so hard that I can barely breath, but most of the time it allows me space to move and function without feeling suffocated and overwhelmed.
Easter has real significance this year. The giving of eggs, something which appears dead and dormant but contains new life, is so powerful and promises of a future filled with brightness and more happiness... sadness doesn't have to last forever.
I must say though, I'm not looking forward to my birthday. The rope twists and jerks when I contemplate celebrating the day I was born without the woman who birthed me and nurtured me as best she could for 33 years. Too sad.

I've been looking at mum's old diaries which she started to write when she was about 12. I check out what she was doing on January 23rd each year - February the 9th and January 23rd, the dates of her birth and her death - the most significant dates in her universe. When she arrived Earthside and when she left.
Mum loved Angels, so here’s a poem relevant to the seasons which would have made her smile:

SEASONS AND ARCHANGELS - ISABEL WYATT

Thou Gabriel!
Bring me the white stars of winter,
Of thy lilies and snows;
Till the blessing of life-giving water and moon-beam
Into me flows.

Thou Raphael!
Bring me the green grace of springtime
Of blithe sap and young leaves;
Till the blessing of breathing and music and healing
Into me weaves.

Thou Uriel!
Bring me the red flame of summer
From air's golden steeps
Till the blessing of fires of the rose and the rainbow
Into me leaps.

Thou Michael!
Plunge deep the blue sword of autumn
Where the dark dragon lurks;
Till the stirring of iron in the blood and the meteor
Into me works.

So, over the next week I'm going to be aiming to develop more of a rhythm to our days. I feel like we're just about there and that we've reached a turning point from chaos to OK! I know Sylvie won't be going back to nursery and I know that none of the girls will be going to school so, this is it! This is our life and these are our days so I'd might as well start being organised right now!!! I am, however, going to take things slowly. No rushing around taking them places which are meaningless and add nothing to their happiness. Saying that - I want them outside in nature as much as possible because they all love it and so do I. There's something deeply satisfying about seeing a child running around with a handful of sticks, covered in mud!

We've nothing planned for Mondays or Tuesdays. There's a home ed group that we can go to on a Wednesday and a Tyne and Wear home ed meet up on a Friday which is enough to keep us going for now. I can't wait for Book Buddies to start up at Gibside on the 20th April. We've got a season ticket for the Botanic Gardens and by the end of the month we'll have a Beamish ticket too. That, along with the big park that's being built at the other side of the estate is enough to keep us going throughout the spring! Oh, not forgetting the garden of course.

Bea's just come upstairs to see me so I'd best go before she starts playing with the keyboard. It's Saturday so Mark's downstairs with the other two - Annabelle fast asleep on his knee which he just loves.

Photos of what we've been up to including, making a spring frieze, making peg dollies to go with the Tree Blocks, doing some baking, (I made spelt bread while the girls just made a gorgeous mess! visiting the deer at Whitworth park and some other stuff)....

OH yes, and I've invited some fantastic mamas over for our very own Red Thread meeting at the end of April. All good.